Caves

I just want to disappear. We came home, everything was going ok. I mentioned that I got an offer from the work-at-home call center place for a position. I only read a portion of the e-mail earlier and was not aware there was part-time hours available. I told him and said I didn't want to take it cause it was full-time. He said I should. I said I can't. He said we need the money. I said I couldn't take the stress. Then it just blew up. I fucking hate this! I don't care anymore! I just want to scream to him all the opportunities I've had to fuck this over lately and I haven't.......why? Because I actually want this to work. But all he gives a shit about is money. That's it. And he's so selfish. If he wants to do something we magically have money but if I want to do something - no. And he says it's because he's pulling the weight. He's making the money. Even if I am making money, I don't get to do what I want to. Because all he does is take. And I'm sick of giving. I'm sorry there are two people in a marriage. I'm sorry that I have a problem mentally and emotionally. I'm sorry I've fucked up in the past. I'm sorry that I'm not everything I should or want to be, but guess what? You're stuck. Stuck. So either make a compromise or leave. I'm done with fighting. I already wanted to commit suicide today. I don't need another. I stay at home and clean and cook, and try really hard to be a good housewife, to not spend money - to make it so I don't have to work. But it's not good enough. Money is what he wants. Money to spend the way he used to spend when he didn't have me. I can't do it. I wish I could erase time cause you better believe I wouldn't be here. But I made my grave. I hate my life! I could be married to someone else living in a nice house with a nice car and children and a dog but I'm fucking here. So he has to be too. I know I've been spoiled and gotten everything I've ever wanted and had mommy to bail me out, but I'm here. So he has to be too. I know that I freak out and I can't hold down a job because fear paralyzes me. To everyone else it seems like laziness but Nick knows and Gail knows, and now I have to relearn how to think so I don't spend and I don't create holes for myself, but I'm here. So he has to be too. Everyone says they marry their parents. He did. So it's either shit or get off the pot I think at this point. I am so tired. I want a house with a white picket fence and 2 kids and 4 cats and 2 dogs and a cow and horse and chickens and lots of acres, but I'm in an apartment that stinks, that has mismatched colored doors, stains on the carpet, a bed that cats have pissed in numerous times......it's a place and it's where I'm at and I'm trying really really hard to be okay with my choices. I don't understand why he can't accept his.