Today

Today I got up around 10:30. I was awake before then but Apollo came to cuddle with me - it felt so nice that I dozed off again, but I forced myself to get up when Kyle did. I was pretty proud of that. Usually I just fall asleep again. He went to his mom's to do some laundry and I looked up some things on Craigslist and called Bryce. When he came back, we talked about driving around looking for our bikes (about three days ago, our bikes were stolen. His 62 Schwinn Speedster and my 58 Schwinn American). I almost told him to go without me, or that we could do it later, but I got up and we drove around a little. It was nice to be out. We didn't find the bikes. When we got home I was so angry and upset over the stolen bikes. I had a bowl of leftover spaghetti and Apple Crisps while he took a shower and got ready for work. I contemplated taking a shower, but I just wanted to crawl back in bed and brood. After he left, I worked on a crossword, then cuddled with Apollo again. I knew I SHOULD have gotten up and cleaned, but the task seemed so daunting. I look at the clothes lying around and think I'll never get them done. I'll never get the dishes done. It takes so long. Then I start to think, well I should vacuum while I'm at it, and I should clean the bathroom, and I should go through paperwork and I should go over divorce papers and I should do this and that. Then it becomes overwhelming. Suddenly picking up a few things becomes this infinite to do list that I know I'll never get done and then my anxiety takes over.....I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of - afraid of starting something I won't finish I guess. Afraid if I start doing one thing, then Kyle will get home and think, well if she could do this one part, why couldn't she do the rest. So then I just sleep. Which I did. I curled up with Apollo and went back to bed until around 4. I woke up and decided I really need to read some more in The Buddha & the Borderline. Most of the inner dialogue is exactly how I'm feeling so I thought I'd write out some passages that spoke to me:
"Just like in relationships, I make great first impressions at jobs. I show up and get gold stars. Yay, Kiera! But it doesn't last. Performing under stress, showing up at regularly appointed hours, enduring criticism, and playing the politics - all of it eventually wears me down to one raw nerve, and I disappear.... I don't have any options for good references. And it doesn't help that for most of my life I've heard that I wasn't living up to my potential, wasn't trying hard enough, wasn't giving things a real chance, or was sabotaging my success. But when ever excursion into responsibility feels like being dropped into a pot of boiling water, any job seems like a setup for devastation."
"Cognitive therapists analyzed the perceptions of people with BPD through questionnaires and concluded that we tend to share three basic assumptions: The world is dangerous and malevolent; we are powerless and vulnerable; and we are inherently unacceptable (Beck et al. 2004)."
So it's now 5:28 and I think I feel ready to clean the house a bit. Breathe.

I fail

Sigh. So I finally got a 1TB external hard drive. I was super excited, and I got all the music transferred and docs and pics and stuff. Then I started backing up Kyle's laptop and got to thinking "hmmmm maybe, to save space, I should just restore the computers back to a previous point and then back it up...." so I deleted all the stuff from the external drive, and then proceeded to restore the computers to a previous date. Well this would be great, except that Kyle's won't restore and mine won't restore all the music. I'm fucked. Basically, all our pictures and music are gone. Luckily, his important documents are still on his computer so I'm okay there, but shit. I feel so bad cause he trusted me to do this right. I fail.

Rescue animals from cruelty and neglect. | Pepsi Refresh Everything

Rescue animals from cruelty and neglect. | Pepsi Refresh Everything: "

Losing

About a month ago, Ben told me he really missed the cats. I didn't know this cause it seemed like he didn't even care about them when I first moved out. I guess I was wrong. So for the last few weeks he's been bugging me about taking Apollo. I wanted him to have him because I have the Sisters and I know that Apollo will be happier with him because he can go outside. So on Sunday, I gave Apollo to Ben. It's been hard. I miss him. He always knew when it was bedtime and proceeded to cuddle with me. But Ben has promised me pictures of him daily so I can see him and I know that I can visit anytime.
Kyle and I are taking over this "SIMS" project, so today I will be looking for possible interactive movies. I'm also frussed because Ryan (the head guy of Culture Shock) wants to have his say on everything yet wants everyone else to do his work. At the showing of Lebowski, he got the audience's hopes up by saying the next movie we're doing is The Princess Bride. Now, we have an obligation to do that movie, even though there may have been better movies out there. Since Kyle and I are the directors of this, I think we should have a bigger say. Also, Kyle and I both hate the acronym SIMS - Salem Interactive Movie Series. I came up with MIME - Mid-valley Interactive Movie Events. I liked it cause we mimed out the movie. But Ryan said everyone hated it, but didn't really say who. Ugh! So MIME won't work, and we gotta come up with a new name. Any suggestions? I don't think it should necessarily have to be an acronym anyway.
Applying for a cashier position at LifeSource today. Hoping I'm hippie enough for them.

Music

I had the worst headache last night and it has continued through today. Sigh. And I need to do homework, but I realized that it's in the car that Kyle took to work. I give up.

So I decided to watch Labyrinth. After about 20 minutes of that, I got distracted by talking to Ben about Bronson. Then he mentioned that I should listen to OPB at that moment. I asked why and he said it was the worst thing he's ever heard on radio. So I tuned in. It was in the middle of an interview, but I decided to listen to see if this is truly was the worst thing on radio ever. I learned that the band was called Run On Sentence (Water, These Hills/Out in the Woods, The Afterlife Pt. 1). At first I was inclined to agree with Ben. His voice was grating, but the music was amazing, so I persisted and listened to the rest of the set. I'm glad I did. His voice is growing on me and I really like the style of music. Then I decided to go to the In House website so I could find the rest of the music they played on the set. Once there, I found a whole bunch of artists Kyle has introduced me to and some I've found on my own that I had to check out (with my favs):

Black Prairie - Ostinato Del Caminito, Tango Oscuro
DeVotchKa - Undone
Deer Tick - Dance of Love, Maybelline, Smith Hill
Gill Landry -Dixie, Lawless Soirez
Hillstomp - Banjo Tune No. 1
Langhorne Slim - I Love You, But Goodbye and Land of Dreams
Sallie Ford & the Sound Outside - Thirteen Years Old and God's Away on Business
Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings - 100 Days, 100 Nights and What Condition My Condition Was In (needed her for Lebowski last night)
Shoeshine Blue - 1776, Breadlines, The Oldest Dance
The Builders and the Butchers - (so excited to see them Thursday night) The Coal Mine Fall, Raise Up, When It Rains, Down This Hole
The Devil Makes Three - All Hail, Help Yourself, Dynamite, Bangor Mash, Old Number Seven, Beneath the Piano - (pretty much everything they do is perfect!!)
The Old Believers - Simple Twist of Fate, The Glories All Been Done (not really my style, but I like these two songs)
Renegade Minstrels - (caught the last couple songs of theirs at Hotel Oregon - been wanting to see them for a while, glad I did - they're great. They're playing Boon's Treasury August 20, so I'm hoping to catch their full set this time) Vine Maple Valley Waltz, End of the Line (my favorite!!!), Jackhammer Blues
Hayes Carll - She Left Me for Jesus, Down the Road Tonight, Arkansas Blues, Good Friends, Highway 87, Beaumont
Foghorn Stringband - (I love their logo! I'm upset because they hosted a huge square dance as part of Pickathon - so jealous. I love his voice! Again, everything they do is amazing!) Late for the Dance, Sweeter Than the Flowers, Gospel Ship
Breathe Owl Breathe - Own Stunts, Dog Walkers of the New Age
Casey MacGill's Blue 4 Trio - (OH MY GOD!!!) Chicken Dinner, Gangbusters, The Spell of the Blues
Water Tower Bucket Boys - (heard them on True Vines live at Pickathon) Crooked Road, Blackbird, Home Above
Town Mountain - Shame On You, Leavin' Montana, Ruination Line
The Red Stick Ramblers - (have to make sure to pause vince smith "wash away" on a comment) Bloodshot Eyes, Barnyard Bachelor (cute!)
Cardboard Songsters - Oh Susanna, Take Me Back
Sean Hayes - When We Fall In, Gunnin, Flowering Spade, turnaroundturnmeon, No No Guantanamo ( I LOVE HIS VOICE!!)
Woody Pines - Counting Alligators, Harlem, Chew Tobacco Rag

Lord, Save Us From Your Followers

Just finished watching a documentary called Lord Save Us From Your Followers by Dan Merchant. It is from the perspective of a Protestant, but it was actually quite good. A lot of it takes place in Portland and I recognized the face of someone I knew. I encourage believers and non-believers alike to watch it...I had a couple problems with it, but overall I think it could be helpful for believers to see what's really going on in the world. Here's what I liked and didn't like:
-I really appreciated the confessional booth. I cried. I wish more "Christians" would have the guts and humility to apologize for the destruction and havoc they have caused.
-I was upset that he talked about the pope's jubilee apology in which he confessed the crimes of the catholic church, but he didn't condemn the acts. He made it sound like since he apologized, it made it all okay. What the church has done and continues to do is NOT okay. Actions need to be taken to reverse what's been done. Yes, the church apologized to victims of the sex scandals - but now, they are continuing to cover up incidents.
-It angered me that he chose to show World Vision and Night Strike as the forces of good in the world. There are many many many organizations with no religious affiliation that provide aid to impoverished countries and to the local homeless. Dan asked one homeless man why he thought the volunteers of Night Strike were doing what they did, and he replied because they had Christ in them. This irks me because I have volunteered for United Way and Willamette Humane Society and I am an athiest. I volunteer because people are in need - there's not an underlying motivation behind it, as I believe there is with Christianity. From my perspective, Christians reach out to the third world countries and the homeless because they are more willing to accept them, than higher educated people. It's easy to go to make believers out of the hopeless because they are desperate - they want something to believe in and that things will get better. You can't do that in a rich neighborhood. Dan also showed in Mississippi how churches were helping to rebuild the area, but Habitat for Humanity was not featured. They do much more for the community and continue to be a presence in that area.
-I can agree that Christmas trees and Easter bunnies should be allowed in government offices, or really wherever they want to put them, as long as it's not in my house. Don't get me wrong, Christmas is my favorite holiday, but not because I believe that the savior of the world was born. I see it as a time to celebrate loved ones and compassion. Isn't that what Jesus preached anyway?
-Liberals are smarter than conservatives. This movie proves it through the "Family Feud" style game. I read. I read a lot. I know what the right will say and what the left will say and how I land on issues. I can have a conversation with a Christian and not want to kill them. I have experienced life more and know why women choose to have abortions. My mom thinks that only sluts and alcoholics go to bars. My mom cannot see life from this side. It's unfathomable to her. I think only when we have educated ourselves and seen both sides, can we truly judge.
So it's a good move for the nonbeliever in that it solidifies some of my thinking on God. I also found myself surprised with what some of the guests were saying - we agreed that consumerism is the number one problem for Christianity or really for the nation. However, I feel this is a great introduction to "the other world" for Christians. This documentary may open up eyes and show believers that we have reason to not like them; that maybe they haven't done all they can to show Jesus' love. We're all to blame for the divide in our country

Pictures for recent adventures

Aaaack! I couldn't get the pictures to upload so we'll try it this way.