a bowl

suicidal again. ben got a call early this morning. when he got off i asked him if everything was alright. he said yes and that his boss was running late so he had time to drop me off at his parents. a couple minutes later i was on the toilet and he comes in and turns the shower water on. normally he doesn't take showers in the morning and every once in a while he'll pee in the shower if i'm on the toilet. so i kinda yelled, don't pee in the shower. he said he wasn't - that he was taking a shower. then while in the shower i noticed that he was taking a long shower and just standing there not really doing anything. i thought we should probably hurry since he had to drop me off then go to work. plus he was wasting water so i nicely said you're wasting water plus it's 7:07. he didn't respond so a couple minutes later i said it again but with a little more force. he said he knew what he was doing. that was the end of that. when he was getting dressed i remarked that he should comb his hair since he had just finished combing his goat. he said that's why he wore a hat. then i said he shouldn't wear his good hat cause it'll get dirty. he shrugged it off saying that he liked it. i said it looked kinda funny with his work outfit. he said he wouldn't have anywhere else to put his pen. i was mean and said he could it in his pocket like everyone else. and again while he was dressing i made a remark about how i could hem the sleeves of his work shirt up. he said they were the perfect length. i said they were too long. he said the whole shirt was too big. i agreed. getting into the truck - he got in and tried to open my door by pulling the door handle like in his old truck. i jokingly said i'd never understood why he still did that since we've had this truck for almost 3 years. he asked why i was being so mean? i said i was just joking. he said i was picking at him all morning. that i was just like verone.
i realize that doesn't mean much but i've been uber depressed lately and verone is his loathed enemy so that cut deep. i burst into tears. made him drive me home. contemplated slitting my wrists. more crying. talked it over with him. now sitting here. feeling empty. not suicidal right now. just empty. i don't know if i believe him when he says he loves me anymore.