Today I got up around 10:30. I was awake before then but Apollo came to cuddle with me - it felt so nice that I dozed off again, but I forced myself to get up when Kyle did. I was pretty proud of that. Usually I just fall asleep again. He went to his mom's to do some laundry and I looked up some things on Craigslist and called Bryce. When he came back, we talked about driving around looking for our bikes (about three days ago, our bikes were stolen. His 62 Schwinn Speedster and my 58 Schwinn American). I almost told him to go without me, or that we could do it later, but I got up and we drove around a little. It was nice to be out. We didn't find the bikes. When we got home I was so angry and upset over the stolen bikes. I had a bowl of leftover spaghetti and Apple Crisps while he took a shower and got ready for work. I contemplated taking a shower, but I just wanted to crawl back in bed and brood. After he left, I worked on a crossword, then cuddled with Apollo again. I knew I SHOULD have gotten up and cleaned, but the task seemed so daunting. I look at the clothes lying around and think I'll never get them done. I'll never get the dishes done. It takes so long. Then I start to think, well I should vacuum while I'm at it, and I should clean the bathroom, and I should go through paperwork and I should go over divorce papers and I should do this and that. Then it becomes overwhelming. Suddenly picking up a few things becomes this infinite to do list that I know I'll never get done and then my anxiety takes over.....I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of - afraid of starting something I won't finish I guess. Afraid if I start doing one thing, then Kyle will get home and think, well if she could do this one part, why couldn't she do the rest. So then I just sleep. Which I did. I curled up with Apollo and went back to bed until around 4. I woke up and decided I really need to read some more in The Buddha & the Borderline. Most of the inner dialogue is exactly how I'm feeling so I thought I'd write out some passages that spoke to me:
"Just like in relationships, I make great first impressions at jobs. I show up and get gold stars. Yay, Kiera! But it doesn't last. Performing under stress, showing up at regularly appointed hours, enduring criticism, and playing the politics - all of it eventually wears me down to one raw nerve, and I disappear.... I don't have any options for good references. And it doesn't help that for most of my life I've heard that I wasn't living up to my potential, wasn't trying hard enough, wasn't giving things a real chance, or was sabotaging my success. But when ever excursion into responsibility feels like being dropped into a pot of boiling water, any job seems like a setup for devastation."
"Cognitive therapists analyzed the perceptions of people with BPD through questionnaires and concluded that we tend to share three basic assumptions: The world is dangerous and malevolent; we are powerless and vulnerable; and we are inherently unacceptable (Beck et al. 2004)."
So it's now 5:28 and I think I feel ready to clean the house a bit. Breathe.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
I fail
Sigh. So I finally got a 1TB external hard drive. I was super excited, and I got all the music transferred and docs and pics and stuff. Then I started backing up Kyle's laptop and got to thinking "hmmmm maybe, to save space, I should just restore the computers back to a previous point and then back it up...." so I deleted all the stuff from the external drive, and then proceeded to restore the computers to a previous date. Well this would be great, except that Kyle's won't restore and mine won't restore all the music. I'm fucked. Basically, all our pictures and music are gone. Luckily, his important documents are still on his computer so I'm okay there, but shit. I feel so bad cause he trusted me to do this right. I fail.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Losing
About a month ago, Ben told me he really missed the cats. I didn't know this cause it seemed like he didn't even care about them when I first moved out. I guess I was wrong. So for the last few weeks he's been bugging me about taking Apollo. I wanted him to have him because I have the Sisters and I know that Apollo will be happier with him because he can go outside. So on Sunday, I gave Apollo to Ben. It's been hard. I miss him. He always knew when it was bedtime and proceeded to cuddle with me. But Ben has promised me pictures of him daily so I can see him and I know that I can visit anytime.
Kyle and I are taking over this "SIMS" project, so today I will be looking for possible interactive movies. I'm also frussed because Ryan (the head guy of Culture Shock) wants to have his say on everything yet wants everyone else to do his work. At the showing of Lebowski, he got the audience's hopes up by saying the next movie we're doing is The Princess Bride. Now, we have an obligation to do that movie, even though there may have been better movies out there. Since Kyle and I are the directors of this, I think we should have a bigger say. Also, Kyle and I both hate the acronym SIMS - Salem Interactive Movie Series. I came up with MIME - Mid-valley Interactive Movie Events. I liked it cause we mimed out the movie. But Ryan said everyone hated it, but didn't really say who. Ugh! So MIME won't work, and we gotta come up with a new name. Any suggestions? I don't think it should necessarily have to be an acronym anyway.
Applying for a cashier position at LifeSource today. Hoping I'm hippie enough for them.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Music
I had the worst headache last night and it has continued through today. Sigh. And I need to do homework, but I realized that it's in the car that Kyle took to work. I give up.
So I decided to watch Labyrinth. After about 20 minutes of that, I got distracted by talking to Ben about Bronson. Then he mentioned that I should listen to OPB at that moment. I asked why and he said it was the worst thing he's ever heard on radio. So I tuned in. It was in the middle of an interview, but I decided to listen to see if this is truly was the worst thing on radio ever. I learned that the band was called Run On Sentence (Water, These Hills/Out in the Woods, The Afterlife Pt. 1). At first I was inclined to agree with Ben. His voice was grating, but the music was amazing, so I persisted and listened to the rest of the set. I'm glad I did. His voice is growing on me and I really like the style of music. Then I decided to go to the In House website so I could find the rest of the music they played on the set. Once there, I found a whole bunch of artists Kyle has introduced me to and some I've found on my own that I had to check out (with my favs):
Black Prairie - Ostinato Del Caminito, Tango Oscuro
DeVotchKa - Undone
Deer Tick - Dance of Love, Maybelline, Smith Hill
Gill Landry -Dixie, Lawless Soirez
Hillstomp - Banjo Tune No. 1
Langhorne Slim - I Love You, But Goodbye and Land of Dreams
Sallie Ford & the Sound Outside - Thirteen Years Old and God's Away on Business
Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings - 100 Days, 100 Nights and What Condition My Condition Was In (needed her for Lebowski last night)
Shoeshine Blue - 1776, Breadlines, The Oldest Dance
The Builders and the Butchers - (so excited to see them Thursday night) The Coal Mine Fall, Raise Up, When It Rains, Down This Hole
The Devil Makes Three - All Hail, Help Yourself, Dynamite, Bangor Mash, Old Number Seven, Beneath the Piano - (pretty much everything they do is perfect!!)
The Old Believers - Simple Twist of Fate, The Glories All Been Done (not really my style, but I like these two songs)
Renegade Minstrels - (caught the last couple songs of theirs at Hotel Oregon - been wanting to see them for a while, glad I did - they're great. They're playing Boon's Treasury August 20, so I'm hoping to catch their full set this time) Vine Maple Valley Waltz, End of the Line (my favorite!!!), Jackhammer Blues
Hayes Carll - She Left Me for Jesus, Down the Road Tonight, Arkansas Blues, Good Friends, Highway 87, Beaumont
Foghorn Stringband - (I love their logo! I'm upset because they hosted a huge square dance as part of Pickathon - so jealous. I love his voice! Again, everything they do is amazing!) Late for the Dance, Sweeter Than the Flowers, Gospel Ship
Breathe Owl Breathe - Own Stunts, Dog Walkers of the New Age
Casey MacGill's Blue 4 Trio - (OH MY GOD!!!) Chicken Dinner, Gangbusters, The Spell of the Blues
Water Tower Bucket Boys - (heard them on True Vines live at Pickathon) Crooked Road, Blackbird, Home Above
Town Mountain - Shame On You, Leavin' Montana, Ruination Line
The Red Stick Ramblers - (have to make sure to pause vince smith "wash away" on a comment) Bloodshot Eyes, Barnyard Bachelor (cute!)
Cardboard Songsters - Oh Susanna, Take Me Back
Sean Hayes - When We Fall In, Gunnin, Flowering Spade, turnaroundturnmeon, No No Guantanamo ( I LOVE HIS VOICE!!)
Woody Pines - Counting Alligators, Harlem, Chew Tobacco Rag
So I decided to watch Labyrinth. After about 20 minutes of that, I got distracted by talking to Ben about Bronson. Then he mentioned that I should listen to OPB at that moment. I asked why and he said it was the worst thing he's ever heard on radio. So I tuned in. It was in the middle of an interview, but I decided to listen to see if this is truly was the worst thing on radio ever. I learned that the band was called Run On Sentence (Water, These Hills/Out in the Woods, The Afterlife Pt. 1). At first I was inclined to agree with Ben. His voice was grating, but the music was amazing, so I persisted and listened to the rest of the set. I'm glad I did. His voice is growing on me and I really like the style of music. Then I decided to go to the In House website so I could find the rest of the music they played on the set. Once there, I found a whole bunch of artists Kyle has introduced me to and some I've found on my own that I had to check out (with my favs):
Black Prairie - Ostinato Del Caminito, Tango Oscuro
DeVotchKa - Undone
Deer Tick - Dance of Love, Maybelline, Smith Hill
Gill Landry -Dixie, Lawless Soirez
Hillstomp - Banjo Tune No. 1
Langhorne Slim - I Love You, But Goodbye and Land of Dreams
Sallie Ford & the Sound Outside - Thirteen Years Old and God's Away on Business
Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings - 100 Days, 100 Nights and What Condition My Condition Was In (needed her for Lebowski last night)
Shoeshine Blue - 1776, Breadlines, The Oldest Dance
The Builders and the Butchers - (so excited to see them Thursday night) The Coal Mine Fall, Raise Up, When It Rains, Down This Hole
The Devil Makes Three - All Hail, Help Yourself, Dynamite, Bangor Mash, Old Number Seven, Beneath the Piano - (pretty much everything they do is perfect!!)
The Old Believers - Simple Twist of Fate, The Glories All Been Done (not really my style, but I like these two songs)
Renegade Minstrels - (caught the last couple songs of theirs at Hotel Oregon - been wanting to see them for a while, glad I did - they're great. They're playing Boon's Treasury August 20, so I'm hoping to catch their full set this time) Vine Maple Valley Waltz, End of the Line (my favorite!!!), Jackhammer Blues
Hayes Carll - She Left Me for Jesus, Down the Road Tonight, Arkansas Blues, Good Friends, Highway 87, Beaumont
Foghorn Stringband - (I love their logo! I'm upset because they hosted a huge square dance as part of Pickathon - so jealous. I love his voice! Again, everything they do is amazing!) Late for the Dance, Sweeter Than the Flowers, Gospel Ship
Breathe Owl Breathe - Own Stunts, Dog Walkers of the New Age
Casey MacGill's Blue 4 Trio - (OH MY GOD!!!) Chicken Dinner, Gangbusters, The Spell of the Blues
Water Tower Bucket Boys - (heard them on True Vines live at Pickathon) Crooked Road, Blackbird, Home Above
Town Mountain - Shame On You, Leavin' Montana, Ruination Line
The Red Stick Ramblers - (have to make sure to pause vince smith "wash away" on a comment) Bloodshot Eyes, Barnyard Bachelor (cute!)
Cardboard Songsters - Oh Susanna, Take Me Back
Sean Hayes - When We Fall In, Gunnin, Flowering Spade, turnaroundturnmeon, No No Guantanamo ( I LOVE HIS VOICE!!)
Woody Pines - Counting Alligators, Harlem, Chew Tobacco Rag
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Lord, Save Us From Your Followers
Just finished watching a documentary called Lord Save Us From Your Followers by Dan Merchant. It is from the perspective of a Protestant, but it was actually quite good. A lot of it takes place in Portland and I recognized the face of someone I knew. I encourage believers and non-believers alike to watch it...I had a couple problems with it, but overall I think it could be helpful for believers to see what's really going on in the world. Here's what I liked and didn't like:
-I really appreciated the confessional booth. I cried. I wish more "Christians" would have the guts and humility to apologize for the destruction and havoc they have caused.
-I was upset that he talked about the pope's jubilee apology in which he confessed the crimes of the catholic church, but he didn't condemn the acts. He made it sound like since he apologized, it made it all okay. What the church has done and continues to do is NOT okay. Actions need to be taken to reverse what's been done. Yes, the church apologized to victims of the sex scandals - but now, they are continuing to cover up incidents.
-It angered me that he chose to show World Vision and Night Strike as the forces of good in the world. There are many many many organizations with no religious affiliation that provide aid to impoverished countries and to the local homeless. Dan asked one homeless man why he thought the volunteers of Night Strike were doing what they did, and he replied because they had Christ in them. This irks me because I have volunteered for United Way and Willamette Humane Society and I am an athiest. I volunteer because people are in need - there's not an underlying motivation behind it, as I believe there is with Christianity. From my perspective, Christians reach out to the third world countries and the homeless because they are more willing to accept them, than higher educated people. It's easy to go to make believers out of the hopeless because they are desperate - they want something to believe in and that things will get better. You can't do that in a rich neighborhood. Dan also showed in Mississippi how churches were helping to rebuild the area, but Habitat for Humanity was not featured. They do much more for the community and continue to be a presence in that area.
-I can agree that Christmas trees and Easter bunnies should be allowed in government offices, or really wherever they want to put them, as long as it's not in my house. Don't get me wrong, Christmas is my favorite holiday, but not because I believe that the savior of the world was born. I see it as a time to celebrate loved ones and compassion. Isn't that what Jesus preached anyway?
-Liberals are smarter than conservatives. This movie proves it through the "Family Feud" style game. I read. I read a lot. I know what the right will say and what the left will say and how I land on issues. I can have a conversation with a Christian and not want to kill them. I have experienced life more and know why women choose to have abortions. My mom thinks that only sluts and alcoholics go to bars. My mom cannot see life from this side. It's unfathomable to her. I think only when we have educated ourselves and seen both sides, can we truly judge.
So it's a good move for the nonbeliever in that it solidifies some of my thinking on God. I also found myself surprised with what some of the guests were saying - we agreed that consumerism is the number one problem for Christianity or really for the nation. However, I feel this is a great introduction to "the other world" for Christians. This documentary may open up eyes and show believers that we have reason to not like them; that maybe they haven't done all they can to show Jesus' love. We're all to blame for the divide in our country
-I really appreciated the confessional booth. I cried. I wish more "Christians" would have the guts and humility to apologize for the destruction and havoc they have caused.
-I was upset that he talked about the pope's jubilee apology in which he confessed the crimes of the catholic church, but he didn't condemn the acts. He made it sound like since he apologized, it made it all okay. What the church has done and continues to do is NOT okay. Actions need to be taken to reverse what's been done. Yes, the church apologized to victims of the sex scandals - but now, they are continuing to cover up incidents.
-It angered me that he chose to show World Vision and Night Strike as the forces of good in the world. There are many many many organizations with no religious affiliation that provide aid to impoverished countries and to the local homeless. Dan asked one homeless man why he thought the volunteers of Night Strike were doing what they did, and he replied because they had Christ in them. This irks me because I have volunteered for United Way and Willamette Humane Society and I am an athiest. I volunteer because people are in need - there's not an underlying motivation behind it, as I believe there is with Christianity. From my perspective, Christians reach out to the third world countries and the homeless because they are more willing to accept them, than higher educated people. It's easy to go to make believers out of the hopeless because they are desperate - they want something to believe in and that things will get better. You can't do that in a rich neighborhood. Dan also showed in Mississippi how churches were helping to rebuild the area, but Habitat for Humanity was not featured. They do much more for the community and continue to be a presence in that area.
-I can agree that Christmas trees and Easter bunnies should be allowed in government offices, or really wherever they want to put them, as long as it's not in my house. Don't get me wrong, Christmas is my favorite holiday, but not because I believe that the savior of the world was born. I see it as a time to celebrate loved ones and compassion. Isn't that what Jesus preached anyway?
-Liberals are smarter than conservatives. This movie proves it through the "Family Feud" style game. I read. I read a lot. I know what the right will say and what the left will say and how I land on issues. I can have a conversation with a Christian and not want to kill them. I have experienced life more and know why women choose to have abortions. My mom thinks that only sluts and alcoholics go to bars. My mom cannot see life from this side. It's unfathomable to her. I think only when we have educated ourselves and seen both sides, can we truly judge.
So it's a good move for the nonbeliever in that it solidifies some of my thinking on God. I also found myself surprised with what some of the guests were saying - we agreed that consumerism is the number one problem for Christianity or really for the nation. However, I feel this is a great introduction to "the other world" for Christians. This documentary may open up eyes and show believers that we have reason to not like them; that maybe they haven't done all they can to show Jesus' love. We're all to blame for the divide in our country
Friday, July 23, 2010
Pictures for recent adventures
Aaaack! I couldn't get the pictures to upload so we'll try it this way.
Recent adventures
Thought I'd share some pictures of recent adventures. First: Freak Mountain Ramblers - a great show. They played a lot of country swing and two-step; really got the crowd dancing. There were some good dancers out there too....and then some not so good ones. Kyle and I got to the show at 6 cause we were told that it would fill up fast. Well, it was a little too early. After the show started we were joined by Kim and Mark. Mark took a phone call then disappeared for the rest of the night. I tried a Sweet Tea Smash. It was too minty for me. (I have decided I do not like mint unless it's in gum.) Kim tried to get us to dance, but I was way too shy. After the show, we headed to the rooftop bar to have some appetizers on happy hour. Learned you can't have cajun tots at the happy hour price (dumb); but since Kyle works there, they were nice and gave them to us anyway. Kim ordered a lemon drop and a hummus plate. It was a great night.
Oh my! How could I forget!! We went to Bluesfest. Well, we kind of did. We only went for Taj Mahal, but it was great! He's adorable when he dances on stage. I was sad I didn't hear Cakewalk Into Town though. But he did play goin' fishin'. And he played a song on the banjo (I think he knew Kyle would be there ;-)). That was also a fantabulous night.
Fourth of July was neat cause my grandma met Kyle's great grandma. They really liked each other.
Almost a week ago, Kyle volunteered to work at Edgefield for Avett Brothers. I decided to go up with him cause I had nothing better to do. We went early and went to the Saturday Market. We found some really cool things - two t-shirts for Kyle and a tank top for me. I was saddened though that there was no produce. At the Salem Saturday Market, a lot of what's sold is produce or meat or plants. (Kyle just peeked at my blog!!! Ugh!) I was a little disappointed. After the market, we went back to the car, and I don't know how it happened but Kyle dropped his wallet on the ground. We didn't realize it, and went to Big Ass Sandwiches. We realized it then because Kyle couldn't find it. So we raced back to the parking spot and luckily, some guy was guarding it. We gave him 7 bucks - we're so lucky that he didn't take it because Kyle had over 100 dollars in the wallet. Well, we were running out of time - Kyle needed to be at Edgefield at 4. So we skipped Big Ass Sandwiches and ate something quick at Burgerville. I dropped Kyle off. I had been wanting to go to the animal shelter there. It's a very impressive shelter. It has a huge cat room and the dog kennels are very clean and each has it's own outdoor area. I fell in love with a dog named Pepsi. He was shaking and so sad when I first saw him and I sat down next to him. He had these treats all over the floor and as soon as I sat down, he began to eat. He was only $60, but our landlord won't let us have dogs. After that, I went to Tim's Great Cigars to see if they had Kinky Friedman cigars. They didn't, but it's okay cause Tim is the sweetest man on earth and so helpful. I told him what Kyle liked and he found me the perfect cigar that Kyle loved - a Jose Seijas. We plan on going back there when Kyle has time to hang out. Then I decided to go to Powell's cause I had 4 hours to kill. I found lots of books I wanted, of course. I completely conquered the green room! I didn't have a lot of money so I didn't buy anything but I made a list of what I wanted so I could check things out at the library. I worked on homework in the cafe, and found a comic that I would like to share with Kyle. It's called The Walking Dead. AMC is producing a series from the comic, premiering in October with Norman Reedus (Boondock Saints), so I'm excited about that. After perusing Powell's I remembered I had some DVD's in the car that Kyle didn't want, so I took them to Everyday Music and sold them. Then I headed back to Edgefield and walked around there. After Kyle was off he smoked his cigar and I had a Ruby. It was a swell evening!!
Monday we went camping. I took Kyle to Elk Lake. It's about 11 miles N of Detroit. The forest service doesn't recommend anything but high clearance vehicles on the road up there. It's pretty rough, but not as bad as I remember. Well worth it though. The lake is crystal clear. We borrowed a lot of camping gear from Aunt Shirley. So we set up her 8 person tent for the two of us. Oh, but Elk Lake is so beautiful! We read, we roasted hot dogs and smores and played Scrabble and swam. Everything was great except the mexicans with their screaming children the first night and then the second night someone brought a baby. Other than that it was pretty quiet. We fed chipmunks. I wanted to take one home. You must make the trek up there. It's amazing!!
Alright, I'm done gabbing. Now for pictures!
Oh my! How could I forget!! We went to Bluesfest. Well, we kind of did. We only went for Taj Mahal, but it was great! He's adorable when he dances on stage. I was sad I didn't hear Cakewalk Into Town though. But he did play goin' fishin'. And he played a song on the banjo (I think he knew Kyle would be there ;-)). That was also a fantabulous night.
Fourth of July was neat cause my grandma met Kyle's great grandma. They really liked each other.
Almost a week ago, Kyle volunteered to work at Edgefield for Avett Brothers. I decided to go up with him cause I had nothing better to do. We went early and went to the Saturday Market. We found some really cool things - two t-shirts for Kyle and a tank top for me. I was saddened though that there was no produce. At the Salem Saturday Market, a lot of what's sold is produce or meat or plants. (Kyle just peeked at my blog!!! Ugh!) I was a little disappointed. After the market, we went back to the car, and I don't know how it happened but Kyle dropped his wallet on the ground. We didn't realize it, and went to Big Ass Sandwiches. We realized it then because Kyle couldn't find it. So we raced back to the parking spot and luckily, some guy was guarding it. We gave him 7 bucks - we're so lucky that he didn't take it because Kyle had over 100 dollars in the wallet. Well, we were running out of time - Kyle needed to be at Edgefield at 4. So we skipped Big Ass Sandwiches and ate something quick at Burgerville. I dropped Kyle off. I had been wanting to go to the animal shelter there. It's a very impressive shelter. It has a huge cat room and the dog kennels are very clean and each has it's own outdoor area. I fell in love with a dog named Pepsi. He was shaking and so sad when I first saw him and I sat down next to him. He had these treats all over the floor and as soon as I sat down, he began to eat. He was only $60, but our landlord won't let us have dogs. After that, I went to Tim's Great Cigars to see if they had Kinky Friedman cigars. They didn't, but it's okay cause Tim is the sweetest man on earth and so helpful. I told him what Kyle liked and he found me the perfect cigar that Kyle loved - a Jose Seijas. We plan on going back there when Kyle has time to hang out. Then I decided to go to Powell's cause I had 4 hours to kill. I found lots of books I wanted, of course. I completely conquered the green room! I didn't have a lot of money so I didn't buy anything but I made a list of what I wanted so I could check things out at the library. I worked on homework in the cafe, and found a comic that I would like to share with Kyle. It's called The Walking Dead. AMC is producing a series from the comic, premiering in October with Norman Reedus (Boondock Saints), so I'm excited about that. After perusing Powell's I remembered I had some DVD's in the car that Kyle didn't want, so I took them to Everyday Music and sold them. Then I headed back to Edgefield and walked around there. After Kyle was off he smoked his cigar and I had a Ruby. It was a swell evening!!
Monday we went camping. I took Kyle to Elk Lake. It's about 11 miles N of Detroit. The forest service doesn't recommend anything but high clearance vehicles on the road up there. It's pretty rough, but not as bad as I remember. Well worth it though. The lake is crystal clear. We borrowed a lot of camping gear from Aunt Shirley. So we set up her 8 person tent for the two of us. Oh, but Elk Lake is so beautiful! We read, we roasted hot dogs and smores and played Scrabble and swam. Everything was great except the mexicans with their screaming children the first night and then the second night someone brought a baby. Other than that it was pretty quiet. We fed chipmunks. I wanted to take one home. You must make the trek up there. It's amazing!!
Alright, I'm done gabbing. Now for pictures!
Monday, July 12, 2010
A guide to my rooms
Walk into my mind.
Amidst all the confusion and chaos you will find a steel door. It's old and rusting but the latch still holds tight.
Many people have stood at this door asking to be let in.
They wait and wait and it grows cold outside and they leave - it's not worth their time.
But you stayed. So I will show you what is here.
You find a long hallway - full of debris and dust.
On each side are three doors. They all look the same - plain, wooden.
Yet on the other side - the rooms are extremely different.
Open the first door - you can barely see into the darkness.
The walls are painted a muted grey, and the floor is coarse, black carpet.
There is a small, dim lamp that sits next to a broken mirror.
This is all.
You notice almost a peace in this room; it feels like home.
I spend most of my days here. I just lie on the carpet. Sometimes I close my eyes and dream of being in a different room, but I know I belong here.
The door is unlocked, but I cannot leave - some days I do not want to.
You wander around the room, feeling it's death surround you.
In this room I am in pieces. Bloodied. Dying. I am the reflection in the broken glass.
You will find a door leading to the second room.
In this room it is always raining - a torrential downpour.
Water comes up to your knees.
On the grey-blue walls are smeared paintings of my grandfather, of things I have failed to do, of the people I have hurt.
In this room I am a monster. In this room I am evil and twisted - intent on injuring everyone I meet.
At once you feel the heavy burden. It is almost unbearable.
I have tried to drown myself in the water many times, but nothing relieves the pain.
This is my home as well. If I am not in the first room, I am here - carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
You run out of this room, afraid you might die from the pressure. You flee, catching your breath, only to run...
Into a grotesque, morbid room where there is a constant circus of torture.
Those who have hurt me, those who have hurt others are being mutilated before your eyes. You desperately try to free them, but when you try, you are burned.
You see a list of those who will receive my punishment - your name is on the list with several grievances attached; long past, but I keep them ready, to scorn you with if needed.
Here I am Mr. Hyde. I am Jack the Ripper. I am Albert Fish. I am Jeffrey Dahmer.
I delight in the pain of others. I burn with anger.
When I am here, the door locks behind me. I am hell bent and will not leave until I have cleansed humanity of it's filth.
You escape this room.
Back in the hallway, you are unsure if you want to see anything else.
But you have seen me love and seen me care. Where are these rooms? They must be here.
So you enter the first room on the other side of the hall.
It is decorated like a child's room.
There are many toys - Lincoln Logs, dolls, stuffed animals, childrens' books.
The walls are yellow with drawings of elephants and giraffes.
You recognize the safety here - that nothing will happen.
Then you notice a little girl.
She is playing with the toys alone, but seems to be having a marvelous time.
You pick her up and ask her name - "Lil' Ria" is the reply.
She is beautiful and happy and care free. She wants you to play with her.
But you must go, there are other rooms to see.
She begs you to stay. She needs someone there to love her. She needs a friend, a playmate.
You tell her you'll come back. She believes you.
The second room on the left leads to a field. There are many animals running free. A swing set, a river, a carousel, an ice cream parlor, constantly ripe strawberries. All the things I love.
I run through the field in a white dress that flows behind me.
I am beautiful - perfect. I have no flaws.
You play with the animals, eat ice cream, ride the carousel. You know this is what paradise is.
You never want to leave. You want me to always be like this.
There are two people in the last room - it's us.
You watch us make cookies together, watch movies together, cuddle.
You see how at ease I am.
I am natural.
I am complete.
You have given me everything.
My mind is a variety show. I cannot tell from day to day what room I will be in.
Can you handle this mind?
Will you handle this mind?
Amidst all the confusion and chaos you will find a steel door. It's old and rusting but the latch still holds tight.
Many people have stood at this door asking to be let in.
They wait and wait and it grows cold outside and they leave - it's not worth their time.
But you stayed. So I will show you what is here.
You find a long hallway - full of debris and dust.
On each side are three doors. They all look the same - plain, wooden.
Yet on the other side - the rooms are extremely different.
Open the first door - you can barely see into the darkness.
The walls are painted a muted grey, and the floor is coarse, black carpet.
There is a small, dim lamp that sits next to a broken mirror.
This is all.
You notice almost a peace in this room; it feels like home.
I spend most of my days here. I just lie on the carpet. Sometimes I close my eyes and dream of being in a different room, but I know I belong here.
The door is unlocked, but I cannot leave - some days I do not want to.
You wander around the room, feeling it's death surround you.
In this room I am in pieces. Bloodied. Dying. I am the reflection in the broken glass.
You will find a door leading to the second room.
In this room it is always raining - a torrential downpour.
Water comes up to your knees.
On the grey-blue walls are smeared paintings of my grandfather, of things I have failed to do, of the people I have hurt.
In this room I am a monster. In this room I am evil and twisted - intent on injuring everyone I meet.
At once you feel the heavy burden. It is almost unbearable.
I have tried to drown myself in the water many times, but nothing relieves the pain.
This is my home as well. If I am not in the first room, I am here - carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
You run out of this room, afraid you might die from the pressure. You flee, catching your breath, only to run...
Into a grotesque, morbid room where there is a constant circus of torture.
Those who have hurt me, those who have hurt others are being mutilated before your eyes. You desperately try to free them, but when you try, you are burned.
You see a list of those who will receive my punishment - your name is on the list with several grievances attached; long past, but I keep them ready, to scorn you with if needed.
Here I am Mr. Hyde. I am Jack the Ripper. I am Albert Fish. I am Jeffrey Dahmer.
I delight in the pain of others. I burn with anger.
When I am here, the door locks behind me. I am hell bent and will not leave until I have cleansed humanity of it's filth.
You escape this room.
Back in the hallway, you are unsure if you want to see anything else.
But you have seen me love and seen me care. Where are these rooms? They must be here.
So you enter the first room on the other side of the hall.
It is decorated like a child's room.
There are many toys - Lincoln Logs, dolls, stuffed animals, childrens' books.
The walls are yellow with drawings of elephants and giraffes.
You recognize the safety here - that nothing will happen.
Then you notice a little girl.
She is playing with the toys alone, but seems to be having a marvelous time.
You pick her up and ask her name - "Lil' Ria" is the reply.
She is beautiful and happy and care free. She wants you to play with her.
But you must go, there are other rooms to see.
She begs you to stay. She needs someone there to love her. She needs a friend, a playmate.
You tell her you'll come back. She believes you.
The second room on the left leads to a field. There are many animals running free. A swing set, a river, a carousel, an ice cream parlor, constantly ripe strawberries. All the things I love.
I run through the field in a white dress that flows behind me.
I am beautiful - perfect. I have no flaws.
You play with the animals, eat ice cream, ride the carousel. You know this is what paradise is.
You never want to leave. You want me to always be like this.
There are two people in the last room - it's us.
You watch us make cookies together, watch movies together, cuddle.
You see how at ease I am.
I am natural.
I am complete.
You have given me everything.
My mind is a variety show. I cannot tell from day to day what room I will be in.
Can you handle this mind?
Will you handle this mind?
Panic attack
I've missed my last two classes. One day I wasn't feeling good and I think I just wanted sleep the other day. I went to bed around midnight last night and was dreading getting up. But at 8:15 this morning I did, which is better than usual (usually I have my panic attacks in bed). So I showered, grabbed the toast Kyle made me and got into bed to eat it. Then I had this sudden rush of fear. I kept seeing the teachers' frowns and the kids looking at me like I was a failure. I couldn't get it out of my head. I'm pretty much right on course with the content - I know what I'm doing. I just a) like my sleep and b) feel awkward around the other students. In some ways I feel superior to them - a lot of them can't understand even the basic concepts, but I also feel like they're far superior because they have drive and they show up every class and try really hard, whereas I sort of take my intelligence for granted. Anyway, I crouched in bed and Kyle did his best to soothe me but then he was just like, "So you're not going in today?." It was more of an accusation then a question and then he tensed up and backed away from me. He just seemed disgusted and upset. So I was mad at him, then I just wanted to sleep and let it all fade away. So I did. But he's still upset and I'm upset because it's not my fault. I mean, yes, it sort of is but I had a legitimate attack and he just made it seem like I should get up and suck it up and go. I don't know..... I know he cares, just not quite sure he completely understands.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Sigh, I fail
So I'm trying to find this joke that I heard on Comedy Central. I cannot for the life of me remember the name or what else he did....but there was this joke about old southerners having sex or being dirty and it went something like: I say I say I ought to bend you over miss _____ and twixt your nethers..... or something like that. It was hilarious and now I can't find it!!! And now I'm up at 4:37AM still trying to find it. Sigh.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
hatred
I feel like I'm the worst person in the world. I wrote an entry, and then realized that if Kyle read it, he'd take it completely the wrong way and would feel bad. So I didn't post it. I feel like I have mean, evil thoughts running in my head that normal people don't. And the worst part of it is, I don't care sometimes. Sometimes I want people to hear my thoughts and be hurt.
Tell me what to do now! Tell me what to do in this instant when I feel this way! Am I supposed to sit with my thoughts? The more I sit with them, the angrier I become at everyone. I feel like my skin is crawling off in disgust from my thoughts. Get me out of here! Get me out of these thoughts! Get me out of this place! Get me out of myself!
Tell me what to do now! Tell me what to do in this instant when I feel this way! Am I supposed to sit with my thoughts? The more I sit with them, the angrier I become at everyone. I feel like my skin is crawling off in disgust from my thoughts. Get me out of here! Get me out of these thoughts! Get me out of this place! Get me out of myself!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
News links
I shared a lot in my reader widget on the blog, but I thought I'd still post some links that are important, just in case you missed it.
Mission accomplished: Obama says beaches are fine.
This article explains the lack of agricultural livestock regulation.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't make it into Six Flags if they won't let her in.
In which mental health patients get screwed again.
So I almost took a census job - glad I didn't......
Go Jamie Lee Curtis!
Video
Mission accomplished: Obama says beaches are fine.
This article explains the lack of agricultural livestock regulation.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't make it into Six Flags if they won't let her in.
In which mental health patients get screwed again.
So I almost took a census job - glad I didn't......
Go Jamie Lee Curtis!
Video
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
News links 5/21
I finished The Shack last night. A post on that is coming tonight.
I know this isn't a newspaper, but I'll put it as the first link. LOOK AT THIS!!
Grand Isle Louisiana Beach is closed as the oil is finally starting to roll in. P.s. Doug Suttles is a douchebag!
Don Blankenship is still saying Massey didn't do anything wrong.
Al Gore needed a fourth mansion - three just wouldn't hold all his "climate change" awards.
EPA is finally growing some balls! Considering not to contract with BP.
Don't get your strawberries from California unless you want an abortion.
Apple really wants you to have an iPad - at any cost.
For those who don't want to read the whole bill, AP does a good job of explaining the financial reform bill.
In cute news, sloths are cute!
For the Lost fans
I love books!!
Fresh Prince - Gandalf style
I know this isn't a newspaper, but I'll put it as the first link. LOOK AT THIS!!
Grand Isle Louisiana Beach is closed as the oil is finally starting to roll in. P.s. Doug Suttles is a douchebag!
Don Blankenship is still saying Massey didn't do anything wrong.
Al Gore needed a fourth mansion - three just wouldn't hold all his "climate change" awards.
EPA is finally growing some balls! Considering not to contract with BP.
Don't get your strawberries from California unless you want an abortion.
Apple really wants you to have an iPad - at any cost.
For those who don't want to read the whole bill, AP does a good job of explaining the financial reform bill.
In cute news, sloths are cute!
For the Lost fans
I love books!!
Fresh Prince - Gandalf style
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
News links 5/19
This last week has been crazy. We moved. I had severe side effects to the pain pills I'm on for the elbow injury that happened 14 days ago that STILL hasn't been taken care of. So today I have resigned to being a blob and catching up on the news:
Apparently, no one these days can accept responsibility for their actions. Souder is blaming his on Washington.
Oh, Big Green, I realize that you get money and aid when you aren't too dramatic, but seriously, grow some balls. Big Green is hesitant to have an opinion on the new climate bill.
The Coast Guard does not want you to see the oil-covered beaches!! Their balls are in the firm grasp of BP.
Community College fines students for....shit... Well I guess I won't be attending that college.
Former NBA star Chris Dudley wins GOP nomination in the primaries. Yes, that's Oregon. We love us some basketball.
Some good back history on the ongoing battle in Thailand
Today in douchebaginess: Hershey sues Williams-Sonoma over baking pan
It would be better to keep men and women separate in psychiatric wards, but no one wants to pay for it.
Oh Lord, Beck has decided to team up with FreedomWorks.
This oil spill - it's larger than we thought. We're all gonna die!
Ahahahahahahaha! Veterinarian! Oh well that makes it all okay.........(not)
Apparently, no one these days can accept responsibility for their actions. Souder is blaming his on Washington.
Oh, Big Green, I realize that you get money and aid when you aren't too dramatic, but seriously, grow some balls. Big Green is hesitant to have an opinion on the new climate bill.
The Coast Guard does not want you to see the oil-covered beaches!! Their balls are in the firm grasp of BP.
Community College fines students for....shit... Well I guess I won't be attending that college.
Former NBA star Chris Dudley wins GOP nomination in the primaries. Yes, that's Oregon. We love us some basketball.
Some good back history on the ongoing battle in Thailand
Today in douchebaginess: Hershey sues Williams-Sonoma over baking pan
It would be better to keep men and women separate in psychiatric wards, but no one wants to pay for it.
Oh Lord, Beck has decided to team up with FreedomWorks.
This oil spill - it's larger than we thought. We're all gonna die!
Ahahahahahahaha! Veterinarian! Oh well that makes it all okay.........(not)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
News links for 5/13/2010
He was born here!!! How many times do we have to go over this!!
Well I guess I have 20 seasons to catch up on...
Yet, another reason not to live in Louisiana
Wait.....I thought we halting off-shore drilling. Oh, this doesn't count. Bullshit!
I think Terrence Howard won because he stayed out of Iron Man 2. Awful movie.
Gay marriage is 'insidious and dangerous' but touching little boys is okay
Can't we just let them live in a pasture and eat grains and apples all day???!!!
Religion kills
Maybe Laura Bush should've been president instead of her husband
Let's send 100,000 to the Gulf
You know what, BP, go fuck yourselves!!
Well I guess I have 20 seasons to catch up on...
Yet, another reason not to live in Louisiana
Wait.....I thought we halting off-shore drilling. Oh, this doesn't count. Bullshit!
I think Terrence Howard won because he stayed out of Iron Man 2. Awful movie.
Gay marriage is 'insidious and dangerous' but touching little boys is okay
Can't we just let them live in a pasture and eat grains and apples all day???!!!
Religion kills
Maybe Laura Bush should've been president instead of her husband
Let's send 100,000 to the Gulf
You know what, BP, go fuck yourselves!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
News links for 5/12/2010
Kevin Armento: Why Marijuana Is Not A Drug
Let's legalize it then!!!
Rush Hour in Holland (Video)
Get out your bicycles everyone!!
BP Does Not Want You to See the Oil
Well, duh. We'd be angry. We'd want reform. They don't want that
Our "Christian Nation" was built on this
Sigh
What to Feed Your Pet
Enough said
And finally Portland Mercury kills my summer blockbuster boner
Let's legalize it then!!!
Rush Hour in Holland (Video)
Get out your bicycles everyone!!
BP Does Not Want You to See the Oil
Well, duh. We'd be angry. We'd want reform. They don't want that
Our "Christian Nation" was built on this
Sigh
What to Feed Your Pet
Enough said
And finally Portland Mercury kills my summer blockbuster boner
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
News links for 5/11/2010
Let's start with some good news:
Hair, fur, nylons join fight to hold back US oil spill - Yahoo! News UK
Ah, how I love Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
BP, Haliburton, Transocean executives grilled on Gulf oil spill's 'cascade of failures'
Let's just place blame upon them all
CBO Ups Health Care Cost Projections
Well shit
Senate Approves Fed Amendment
Congress should have the right to be involved on monetary policy
Let Us (Not) Pray
Good article. I think church and state need to be completely separated. As an athiest, I do not want my appointed leader advocating religion in any form. I'm hearing a lot of "You don't have to pray, but don't take my rights to pray away." We're not. But I find it offensive when someone prays in my presence. Just as the Christians find it offensive when I take the lord's name in vain. Can't we just agree that I won't take his name in vain if they don't pray?
Intelligent Design: Scientifically and Religiously Bankrupt
We win! Hahahahaha!
Female Genital Cutting: Will U.S. Doctors Approve Nicks?
UPSET!!
Hair, fur, nylons join fight to hold back US oil spill - Yahoo! News UK
Ah, how I love Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
BP, Haliburton, Transocean executives grilled on Gulf oil spill's 'cascade of failures'
Let's just place blame upon them all
CBO Ups Health Care Cost Projections
Well shit
Senate Approves Fed Amendment
Congress should have the right to be involved on monetary policy
Let Us (Not) Pray
Good article. I think church and state need to be completely separated. As an athiest, I do not want my appointed leader advocating religion in any form. I'm hearing a lot of "You don't have to pray, but don't take my rights to pray away." We're not. But I find it offensive when someone prays in my presence. Just as the Christians find it offensive when I take the lord's name in vain. Can't we just agree that I won't take his name in vain if they don't pray?
Intelligent Design: Scientifically and Religiously Bankrupt
We win! Hahahahaha!
Female Genital Cutting: Will U.S. Doctors Approve Nicks?
UPSET!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
News links
Today's interests:
Oil spill solutions uncertain, slick spreads west | Reuters
"We've brought the world's experts together to try to help us understand how do we make these successful," Suttles said on NBC's "Today" show. "I can't tell you if any one of them will work but as long as we have options we're going to keep trying. The goal here has to be to get the flow stopped."
Post-Constitutional American: an update
Succinct and to the point - a list of the liberties we've lost. Although I'd like to know what some of the sources for the information is.
Obama should stop pandering to Wall Street and support three critical banking reforms
I am surprised that these reforms haven't been adopted already. I guess it just shows how much influence Wall Street has.
Since oil spill disaster, Obama administration has given 27 waivers to oil companies in gulf
I am starting to become extremely upset with Obama.
Mouse Grimace Scale Created to Help Identify Pain in Humans and Animals
I'm a little upset with this. They say they're doing this in part to help improve the welfare of lab animals, but they don't mention they're hurting animals in this study. It's been proven that stem cells and humans are better to experiment on because whatever the test is for, will most likely be used on humans, not animals. So why test on animals if side-effects can be completely different for humans.
Hizballah, Israel Prepare for a War that Neither Wants
And why are they fighting?? Because of religion.
The Philippines' Maguindanao Massacre: Facing the Legacy
This is the first I've heard about this. I am aghast.
Hidden Motives
An interesting look at polls
Some Really Scary Sex
Sex is natural. It's okay, I promise.
For my geekiness and Kyle's benefit
Oil spill solutions uncertain, slick spreads west | Reuters
"We've brought the world's experts together to try to help us understand how do we make these successful," Suttles said on NBC's "Today" show. "I can't tell you if any one of them will work but as long as we have options we're going to keep trying. The goal here has to be to get the flow stopped."
Post-Constitutional American: an update
Succinct and to the point - a list of the liberties we've lost. Although I'd like to know what some of the sources for the information is.
Obama should stop pandering to Wall Street and support three critical banking reforms
I am surprised that these reforms haven't been adopted already. I guess it just shows how much influence Wall Street has.
Since oil spill disaster, Obama administration has given 27 waivers to oil companies in gulf
I am starting to become extremely upset with Obama.
Mouse Grimace Scale Created to Help Identify Pain in Humans and Animals
I'm a little upset with this. They say they're doing this in part to help improve the welfare of lab animals, but they don't mention they're hurting animals in this study. It's been proven that stem cells and humans are better to experiment on because whatever the test is for, will most likely be used on humans, not animals. So why test on animals if side-effects can be completely different for humans.
Hizballah, Israel Prepare for a War that Neither Wants
And why are they fighting?? Because of religion.
The Philippines' Maguindanao Massacre: Facing the Legacy
This is the first I've heard about this. I am aghast.
Hidden Motives
An interesting look at polls
Some Really Scary Sex
Sex is natural. It's okay, I promise.
For my geekiness and Kyle's benefit
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Away from Facebook
Yesterday I was checking Google Reader and I saw a post on Gizmodo about why someone should quit Facebook. I read it. It was alright I guess, but I didn't feel the need to rush out and delete my Facebook account. Some of the information was a little disconcerting however. More importantly I realized I didn't need Facebook in my life. There was an incident recently where I ran late for something that was important because I wanted to make sure my crops were harvested and the dishes in my cafe were served on time. Reading the article about the questionable ethics of Facebook's CEO only helped me realized that it was taking over my life. So I made a command decision and deleted my account - truly deleted it. No more Farmville. No more Cafe World. No more Petville. No more updating my status at 1:30 in the morning about how I have nothing to do. No more instant updates on friends.
Right now it's a little bit hard to ignore it. It is 1:30 and I don't have anything I especially want to do, so farming would waste some time. However, I do have a book I could be reading; I do have homework that's due tomorrow; I should probably be sleeping, so right now would be a great time to be on FB. But I don't need it. I'm sure I won't miss it in a couple of days. It'll be nice to try to work on a sleep schedule. So from now on, I will update this and spew out my thoughts and articles I find interesting on my blog. That way, I don't have the criticism and I can go on tangents. First, some sleep.
Right now it's a little bit hard to ignore it. It is 1:30 and I don't have anything I especially want to do, so farming would waste some time. However, I do have a book I could be reading; I do have homework that's due tomorrow; I should probably be sleeping, so right now would be a great time to be on FB. But I don't need it. I'm sure I won't miss it in a couple of days. It'll be nice to try to work on a sleep schedule. So from now on, I will update this and spew out my thoughts and articles I find interesting on my blog. That way, I don't have the criticism and I can go on tangents. First, some sleep.
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