Today I got up around 10:30. I was awake before then but Apollo came to cuddle with me - it felt so nice that I dozed off again, but I forced myself to get up when Kyle did. I was pretty proud of that. Usually I just fall asleep again. He went to his mom's to do some laundry and I looked up some things on Craigslist and called Bryce. When he came back, we talked about driving around looking for our bikes (about three days ago, our bikes were stolen. His 62 Schwinn Speedster and my 58 Schwinn American). I almost told him to go without me, or that we could do it later, but I got up and we drove around a little. It was nice to be out. We didn't find the bikes. When we got home I was so angry and upset over the stolen bikes. I had a bowl of leftover spaghetti and Apple Crisps while he took a shower and got ready for work. I contemplated taking a shower, but I just wanted to crawl back in bed and brood. After he left, I worked on a crossword, then cuddled with Apollo again. I knew I SHOULD have gotten up and cleaned, but the task seemed so daunting. I look at the clothes lying around and think I'll never get them done. I'll never get the dishes done. It takes so long. Then I start to think, well I should vacuum while I'm at it, and I should clean the bathroom, and I should go through paperwork and I should go over divorce papers and I should do this and that. Then it becomes overwhelming. Suddenly picking up a few things becomes this infinite to do list that I know I'll never get done and then my anxiety takes over.....I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of - afraid of starting something I won't finish I guess. Afraid if I start doing one thing, then Kyle will get home and think, well if she could do this one part, why couldn't she do the rest. So then I just sleep. Which I did. I curled up with Apollo and went back to bed until around 4. I woke up and decided I really need to read some more in The Buddha & the Borderline. Most of the inner dialogue is exactly how I'm feeling so I thought I'd write out some passages that spoke to me:
"Just like in relationships, I make great first impressions at jobs. I show up and get gold stars. Yay, Kiera! But it doesn't last. Performing under stress, showing up at regularly appointed hours, enduring criticism, and playing the politics - all of it eventually wears me down to one raw nerve, and I disappear.... I don't have any options for good references. And it doesn't help that for most of my life I've heard that I wasn't living up to my potential, wasn't trying hard enough, wasn't giving things a real chance, or was sabotaging my success. But when ever excursion into responsibility feels like being dropped into a pot of boiling water, any job seems like a setup for devastation."
"Cognitive therapists analyzed the perceptions of people with BPD through questionnaires and concluded that we tend to share three basic assumptions: The world is dangerous and malevolent; we are powerless and vulnerable; and we are inherently unacceptable (Beck et al. 2004)."
So it's now 5:28 and I think I feel ready to clean the house a bit. Breathe.
