Caves

I just want to disappear. We came home, everything was going ok. I mentioned that I got an offer from the work-at-home call center place for a position. I only read a portion of the e-mail earlier and was not aware there was part-time hours available. I told him and said I didn't want to take it cause it was full-time. He said I should. I said I can't. He said we need the money. I said I couldn't take the stress. Then it just blew up. I fucking hate this! I don't care anymore! I just want to scream to him all the opportunities I've had to fuck this over lately and I haven't.......why? Because I actually want this to work. But all he gives a shit about is money. That's it. And he's so selfish. If he wants to do something we magically have money but if I want to do something - no. And he says it's because he's pulling the weight. He's making the money. Even if I am making money, I don't get to do what I want to. Because all he does is take. And I'm sick of giving. I'm sorry there are two people in a marriage. I'm sorry that I have a problem mentally and emotionally. I'm sorry I've fucked up in the past. I'm sorry that I'm not everything I should or want to be, but guess what? You're stuck. Stuck. So either make a compromise or leave. I'm done with fighting. I already wanted to commit suicide today. I don't need another. I stay at home and clean and cook, and try really hard to be a good housewife, to not spend money - to make it so I don't have to work. But it's not good enough. Money is what he wants. Money to spend the way he used to spend when he didn't have me. I can't do it. I wish I could erase time cause you better believe I wouldn't be here. But I made my grave. I hate my life! I could be married to someone else living in a nice house with a nice car and children and a dog but I'm fucking here. So he has to be too. I know I've been spoiled and gotten everything I've ever wanted and had mommy to bail me out, but I'm here. So he has to be too. I know that I freak out and I can't hold down a job because fear paralyzes me. To everyone else it seems like laziness but Nick knows and Gail knows, and now I have to relearn how to think so I don't spend and I don't create holes for myself, but I'm here. So he has to be too. Everyone says they marry their parents. He did. So it's either shit or get off the pot I think at this point. I am so tired. I want a house with a white picket fence and 2 kids and 4 cats and 2 dogs and a cow and horse and chickens and lots of acres, but I'm in an apartment that stinks, that has mismatched colored doors, stains on the carpet, a bed that cats have pissed in numerous times......it's a place and it's where I'm at and I'm trying really really hard to be okay with my choices. I don't understand why he can't accept his.

a bowl

suicidal again. ben got a call early this morning. when he got off i asked him if everything was alright. he said yes and that his boss was running late so he had time to drop me off at his parents. a couple minutes later i was on the toilet and he comes in and turns the shower water on. normally he doesn't take showers in the morning and every once in a while he'll pee in the shower if i'm on the toilet. so i kinda yelled, don't pee in the shower. he said he wasn't - that he was taking a shower. then while in the shower i noticed that he was taking a long shower and just standing there not really doing anything. i thought we should probably hurry since he had to drop me off then go to work. plus he was wasting water so i nicely said you're wasting water plus it's 7:07. he didn't respond so a couple minutes later i said it again but with a little more force. he said he knew what he was doing. that was the end of that. when he was getting dressed i remarked that he should comb his hair since he had just finished combing his goat. he said that's why he wore a hat. then i said he shouldn't wear his good hat cause it'll get dirty. he shrugged it off saying that he liked it. i said it looked kinda funny with his work outfit. he said he wouldn't have anywhere else to put his pen. i was mean and said he could it in his pocket like everyone else. and again while he was dressing i made a remark about how i could hem the sleeves of his work shirt up. he said they were the perfect length. i said they were too long. he said the whole shirt was too big. i agreed. getting into the truck - he got in and tried to open my door by pulling the door handle like in his old truck. i jokingly said i'd never understood why he still did that since we've had this truck for almost 3 years. he asked why i was being so mean? i said i was just joking. he said i was picking at him all morning. that i was just like verone.
i realize that doesn't mean much but i've been uber depressed lately and verone is his loathed enemy so that cut deep. i burst into tears. made him drive me home. contemplated slitting my wrists. more crying. talked it over with him. now sitting here. feeling empty. not suicidal right now. just empty. i don't know if i believe him when he says he loves me anymore.

depressed?

So for no random reason I started balling my eyes out today. Then I started laughing. Then I started crying. And I stepped on a nail. I am feeling like everything's going wrong. We're broke. I don't have a job. I don't know if I'm capable of having a job, but not having one means I'm stuck in the house without any social interaction. I just want to get out of the house. So I cleaned the garage. Then I got a nail in my foot. Came back up, watched the family stone and just burst into tears. I don't understand. Maybe it's PMS, but I know I need to see Nick soon. Feeling very vulnerable.

first post/insomnia

Signed up to participate in the EarthHourUS thing. Sent e-mails to the congressmen that represent me - but I got to thinking, Capitol Hill, the White House, really any government agency can't really be in the dark for one hour - too many security problems. Oh well, it's a nice thought, right?
I drank coffee.....I can't sleep. Haunting thoughts of Fast Food Nation are in my head. Set up outlook express and updated the software on my phone so I could active sync everything. Yay for me. I should probably sleep.