I'm 22 years old. On the outside I look pretty normal -for having tattoos and piercings. I am outgoing, have a warm smile, and can land pretty much any job I interview for. I've had over 15 of them - the longest period of time employed: 7 months; shortest amount of time: 1 day.
I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't have the space to write an extensive list of symptoms but according to the NIMH it "is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior." I also suffer from extreme anxiety. My immune system is weak so I get sick a lot. Having a job is almost unbearable. I do well for about the first week, then irrational thoughts begin to cycle through my head - pressure to keep a job to provide for my family; pressure to outperform everyone; pressure to not fail in the eyes of those I care about. This mental state causes me to become sick, so I'm not able to go to work, which increases the pressure. I feel like I am a defective person - and I just quit. I am so immobilized by anxiety that I don't call in to quit - I just stop going. I cannot tell prospective employers that there are some days that I won't know until right before work that I can't do it that day. I would never get hired - and I've burned a lot of bridges with previous employers because of this. I am too afraid to tell a current employer that I can't come in because I'm having a severe panic attack. I haven't worked long enough to qualify for social security, and because I don't have a physical handicap, I don't qualify for disability. I was lucky enough to have worked at one company long enough to have portability insurance, which my family pays for. Otherwise much needed medication would cost $150 a month. And the psychologist I see would be another $160 a week. I do not know if I will ever be able to hold down a job, or support myself. I depend on others for most everything.
There are so many others that suffer from mental illness on a daily basis with no one to turn to. Employers must realize that mental illness is just as crippling as physical illness. Those that see my "cutting" scars need to know I struggle every day - sometimes just to get out of bed. While I'm learning new behaviors, be patient with me.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I don't like writing about myself...what??!!
It's kinda funny that I have a blog but I hate writing about myself. I'm trying to apply for all these scholarships for school - but I always get stuck when they want you to write a paragraph outlining volunteer activities, hobbies, academic achievements....I think it's cause I have none. I don't really know what to write about on here, but since I have it, I feel obligated.
So I've been hanging out with Kenny a lot lately. It's weird, but cool - I guess I never thought I'd ever see anyone from high school again.
Ugh! I'm trying to lose weight and I blew it tonight...but Primetime is soooooo good!!!
Johnny and Erin are kinda together - shouldn't bother me, but it does. And apparently anything I say to one person gets back to the other. What happened to privacy? Oh yeah, the internet. I mean I'm happy for them, I guess. I've just always felt like Johnny and I had something BUT I was too fat or not into metal enough or something was always holding him back. Oh well. Fuck it, right? And I really miss hanging out with Erin, but I don't really think she wants to kick it. She's said I have first dibs on her time, but I've seen her once and he has seen her 3 times. I guess I shouldn't sweat it. What friends are they if they don't even care? Too bad I have feelings. I shouldn't even care - I'm married. Nick and I were talking about how I have projected my wants of Ben onto Johnny. That makes sense. Too bad Ben hates Johnny. I like assholes. Damnit!! It's funny - I was drunk and I did my stupid texting thing and so I apologized today and fuckin Johnny was like, "I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but I heard you were complainin about me." Dude, I don't know why Erin has to tell him everything. Well, I guess I told her what he said, but fuck.........fuck it! That's what I say!
I said I was gonna clean the house today - got one load of laundry in and the computer room vacuumed. sad. I fail.
I'm kind of rambling because I had a Dr. Pepper today and now I'm awake - and I should be asleep but I can't, so to keep me occupied instead of playing tower defense games, I'm writing.
Ok, done.
Monday, April 27, 2009
twisted knives
why is it I want what I can't have?
why do I want what I used to have when what I had I loathed? I cried and cried for peace and a new life.
Now it's mine and I want chaos and old habits.
How long can I be content and dishonest?
How long can I be happy and restless?
Make me love you or let me go.
why do I want what I used to have when what I had I loathed? I cried and cried for peace and a new life.
Now it's mine and I want chaos and old habits.
How long can I be content and dishonest?
How long can I be happy and restless?
Make me love you or let me go.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Best of......Bullshit_The Rest
I'm gonna combine the rest because I only have a few comments and I can only reiterate so much.
1. Best Dog Park - Minto Brown Island Park: you can actually let your dog off the leash to run free. Ah, it's a dog's life!
2.Best Fitness Center - Sam's Downtown Fitness: You get a key card!!! If you want to exercise at 2AM like I do, feel free, cause you get a key. You can also get personal training so you don't look like a fool in front of a class of people. Athletes will also appreciate the sport specific training.
3. Best Hike - I like the Baskett Slough Wild Refuge in Dallas. Try Silver Falls State Park for more of a challenge.
4. Best Park - I don't know what they mean by this, but to me, it means PLAYGROUND!! And since parents are stupid and don't watch their kids, they have taken out most of the merry-go-rounds, but McRae park still has one. I win!
5. Obviously the Volcanoe's Stadium is the best sports venue, but if you don't play pro ball, try Wallace Marine Park.
6. I think the best outdoor venue is outdoors. Anywhere. Just get outside.
7. Two running/biking trails I like: Minto Brown Island Park and Bush's Pasture Park.
8. Best swimming pool is membership only, but that keeps all the creeps out: Jan Ree Pool.
9. Car'l B. Klean car wash is where I take my vehicle. They're so nice, have a lovely gift shop, and are very thorough.
10. Best Pet Boarding: while I'm inclined to keep my pets at home and have relatives look after them, I've heard Mutt Hutt is the place to go.
11. I've bought two gift certificates for relatives from Bella Vita. They loved it. When I get the money, I'm gonna go there.
12. As far as tattoo's go, I'd say Hot Rod Betties is the best here, but please please research before you have ink done, and find who's the best for the type of tattoo you're getting. Yes, there's differences.
13. Umpqua Bank's slogan is the "World's Greatest Bank" and they live up to that. They know my husband and I by name, and I've never had a problem with any service there. For credit unions, Unitus has my vote. I've done some business with them, and they've been most helpful.
14. Having worked for Orchard View Veterinary Center, I cannot understand why ANYONE would take their animals there. Well, okay, as long as you don't have to deal with Brittni. Having said that, I highly suggest Sheri Morris at Willamette Valley Animal Hospital. The county recently held a community connect event where the homeless could bring their animals to be checked out by a veterinarian. She was the only one who responded.
15. For best automotive, take your vehicle to Dan Judy Automotive. Not necessarily the most friendly people, but who cares? They're there to fix your car, and that is what they do best! When I was shopping for a car, I brought all potential cars to him to look over. After the 3rd one, he stopped charging me for the inspection.
16. I am quite bias on this next category. I highly recommend Culwell Construction for best home contractor, but Shirley Culwell's my aunt. But she really does a superb job. Kaufman Homes come in a close second.
17. Not ready to have a child, but you better believe when I do, I'm going to Silverton Hospital. If I can't make it there then I'll get a midwife. Last resort would be the Salem Hospital. I haven't heard anything bad, I just want something special - and with over 3500 births a year, it's not screaming special.
18. Ah, schools. Nothing creates more pride, or more rivalry. Best private school goes to Blanchet (think of all those cute catholic school girls??); best charter school is a tie between Jane Goodall Environmental Middle School, and Howard Street Charter School. If you're looking for a good elmentary school, the majority says Abiqua School. I went to private schools until high school. If you're looking for daycare/kindergarten look at Court Street Christian Daycare. Virginia - who taught my friend and I, is now teaching her son. My almamater is McNary High School. I also attended McKay, had a few friends from North, and took a couple after school classes at South. All of us were fiercely loyal to our schools, but looking back, I think McNary offered the best education. Dan Borresen, Josh Scott, Darrell Trussell, Linda Baker, Andy Sheldon, Jeff Auvinen, Gary Bulen, and Jim Litchfield are some of my favorites. If you're looking to join the military, North has JROTC. Best college is Oregon State University. The law students go to Willamette University, the teachers go to Western Oregon University, and the Christians go to Corban College.
1. Best Dog Park - Minto Brown Island Park: you can actually let your dog off the leash to run free. Ah, it's a dog's life!
2.Best Fitness Center - Sam's Downtown Fitness: You get a key card!!! If you want to exercise at 2AM like I do, feel free, cause you get a key. You can also get personal training so you don't look like a fool in front of a class of people. Athletes will also appreciate the sport specific training.
3. Best Hike - I like the Baskett Slough Wild Refuge in Dallas. Try Silver Falls State Park for more of a challenge.
4. Best Park - I don't know what they mean by this, but to me, it means PLAYGROUND!! And since parents are stupid and don't watch their kids, they have taken out most of the merry-go-rounds, but McRae park still has one. I win!
5. Obviously the Volcanoe's Stadium is the best sports venue, but if you don't play pro ball, try Wallace Marine Park.
6. I think the best outdoor venue is outdoors. Anywhere. Just get outside.
7. Two running/biking trails I like: Minto Brown Island Park and Bush's Pasture Park.
8. Best swimming pool is membership only, but that keeps all the creeps out: Jan Ree Pool.
9. Car'l B. Klean car wash is where I take my vehicle. They're so nice, have a lovely gift shop, and are very thorough.
10. Best Pet Boarding: while I'm inclined to keep my pets at home and have relatives look after them, I've heard Mutt Hutt is the place to go.
11. I've bought two gift certificates for relatives from Bella Vita. They loved it. When I get the money, I'm gonna go there.
12. As far as tattoo's go, I'd say Hot Rod Betties is the best here, but please please research before you have ink done, and find who's the best for the type of tattoo you're getting. Yes, there's differences.
13. Umpqua Bank's slogan is the "World's Greatest Bank" and they live up to that. They know my husband and I by name, and I've never had a problem with any service there. For credit unions, Unitus has my vote. I've done some business with them, and they've been most helpful.
14. Having worked for Orchard View Veterinary Center, I cannot understand why ANYONE would take their animals there. Well, okay, as long as you don't have to deal with Brittni. Having said that, I highly suggest Sheri Morris at Willamette Valley Animal Hospital. The county recently held a community connect event where the homeless could bring their animals to be checked out by a veterinarian. She was the only one who responded.
15. For best automotive, take your vehicle to Dan Judy Automotive. Not necessarily the most friendly people, but who cares? They're there to fix your car, and that is what they do best! When I was shopping for a car, I brought all potential cars to him to look over. After the 3rd one, he stopped charging me for the inspection.
16. I am quite bias on this next category. I highly recommend Culwell Construction for best home contractor, but Shirley Culwell's my aunt. But she really does a superb job. Kaufman Homes come in a close second.
17. Not ready to have a child, but you better believe when I do, I'm going to Silverton Hospital. If I can't make it there then I'll get a midwife. Last resort would be the Salem Hospital. I haven't heard anything bad, I just want something special - and with over 3500 births a year, it's not screaming special.
18. Ah, schools. Nothing creates more pride, or more rivalry. Best private school goes to Blanchet (think of all those cute catholic school girls??); best charter school is a tie between Jane Goodall Environmental Middle School, and Howard Street Charter School. If you're looking for a good elmentary school, the majority says Abiqua School. I went to private schools until high school. If you're looking for daycare/kindergarten look at Court Street Christian Daycare. Virginia - who taught my friend and I, is now teaching her son. My almamater is McNary High School. I also attended McKay, had a few friends from North, and took a couple after school classes at South. All of us were fiercely loyal to our schools, but looking back, I think McNary offered the best education. Dan Borresen, Josh Scott, Darrell Trussell, Linda Baker, Andy Sheldon, Jeff Auvinen, Gary Bulen, and Jim Litchfield are some of my favorites. If you're looking to join the military, North has JROTC. Best college is Oregon State University. The law students go to Willamette University, the teachers go to Western Oregon University, and the Christians go to Corban College.
Best of.......Bullshit_Shopping
Oh the fury!! I will never understand Salem!! I don't understand the need to step outside local shops for anything (except electronics....we don't have any store like Best Buy). Let the chastisement begin!!!
1. I have no children, so I suppose it's not fair to comment on the Best Children's Clothing Store. Oh well. When I was a kid, my mom shopped at Re-Runs for Kids. Cute little store, not to mention it helps Family Building Blocks. Cherry Redd has great rockabilly wear for kids. My kid is definitely going to look like Elvis!!
2. My husband is a picky picky person. I can't get him to wear half the clothes I buy for him. But the store I can't get him out of is Cherry Redd. I think over half his wardrobe now has been bought there. Great selection of Black Market Art Company, Lucky 13, and Dickies. It's also my favorite store for women's clothing but more on that later. Exit Real World has all the skater/surfer/boarder gear you can handle. Olive Boutique supplies one of a kind pieces! Those on the professional side will find Shryocks indispensable. Unfortunately we just lost Joe's Sporting Goods, so Work-n-Wear is the place for work boots/wear, Double H Western Wear for "yer wranglers," and the Kilt & Thistle for showing your Scottish pride!
3. Cherry Redd once again takes the cake for best women's clothing. I absolutely love their pin-up style dresses, and they offer classes on how to look like a pin-up girl, with professional photography to boot! The Meringue Boutique offers upscale shopping. Olive Boutique also has women's clothes. I haven't found a great adult woman's store yet.
4. It's hard to find a local resale/consignment shop. I would recommend The Maze in Keizer. There's also Big Gal's. And Re-runs for Kids.
5. When I go to buy furniture (which usually isn't often because I'm broke), I frequent EnerChi. They have beautiful feng-shui inspired furniture. If that sort of thing isn't for you, stop by Amish Workbench. If you are ready to buy that day, try Sid's Furnishings. They tend to kick you out if you are just looking. I also like to see what I can find at Engelberg Antiks II. It's a scavenger hunt, but you can find some very neat stuff.
6. If you're looking for some one-of-a-kind decorations, visit Ten Thousand Villages. They work with artists all over the world to promote fair trade practices. Although not local, it's worth a visit and your patronage because it sustains the global economy which is also important. For another unique home decor store, try The Arbor; way out of my price range, but I love to dream. Walk anywhere downtown and you'll find something that catches your eye!
7. Hardware. I'm not really the one to ask, but my husband really likes Saffron Supply Co. When he went to buy a ladder, they not only scoured to find him one, but not finding one at the store, offered to order him one. For building needs, try Parr Lumber - not local but close enough.
8. A lot of people like Jackson Jewelers. I happen to find them very unhelpful, but I'm the minority, so go - don't take my word. I really love Dave Wilson Designer Goldsmith. I want to be able to say I have the only one of something. If you're like me, a designer goldsmith is the way to go. Roy John is also a excellent goldsmith. Boucher Jewelers in Keizer has a beautiful selection of new and pre-owned jewelry.
9. Salem surprised me when they voted Kelly's Kitchen Store as best kitchen supply. We have two of the best kitchen stores around. Lullu's Tutto Cucina and Carl's Cuisine. They both offer cooking classes, as well as expertise. If you're interested in ethnic cuisine, Katmandu offers delicious cooking classes in curry.
10. I will never buy my flower seeds from anywhere but Egan Gardens. And every spring I will drive to Nichol's Garden Nursery to buy my vegetable and herb seedlings.
11. Shame shame! Willamette Humane Society and Salem Friends of Felines are the only places you should be getting your pets!!! To pamper them Davenport's Den is conveniently located at WHS, and South Salem Pet Supply specializes in health conscious feed. Double H provides feed for the equines. Yuppy Puppy remembers that dogs need accessories too!!
12. If you're looking for a bargain, WHS Thrift Shop is a great place to start. Also try Salem Friends of Felines' thrift store. I like to get my puzzles from the Union Gospel Mission Store, Salvation Army Thrift Store, or St. Vincent de Paul's Thrift Store. All superb selections where the money goes to a valuable cause.
13. Back to electronics. While we don't have a Best Buy, we do have Audio Source, Video Only, Norvac Electronics, and Dan Judy Automotive (for ham/cb radio supplies).
14. Ranch Records is it! Well, no, there's Harvest Music. But if you're looking for the best of the best in music, then Ranch Records is it!
15. Car dealers - normally something I don't want to think about, but for now, the necessary evil remains. So Electric Wheel is where I'd start. Then I'd try Lulay's Car Connection. Then I'd drive to Portland for EcoMotion.
16. I could spend my days at the library, but if we must own books, start with the Tea Party Bookshop. Next, The Book Bin. Then I'd move to Book Habit. There's the Paperback Exchange, and Reader's Guide in West Salem. There's no reason to go to Borders.
1. I have no children, so I suppose it's not fair to comment on the Best Children's Clothing Store. Oh well. When I was a kid, my mom shopped at Re-Runs for Kids. Cute little store, not to mention it helps Family Building Blocks. Cherry Redd has great rockabilly wear for kids. My kid is definitely going to look like Elvis!!
2. My husband is a picky picky person. I can't get him to wear half the clothes I buy for him. But the store I can't get him out of is Cherry Redd. I think over half his wardrobe now has been bought there. Great selection of Black Market Art Company, Lucky 13, and Dickies. It's also my favorite store for women's clothing but more on that later. Exit Real World has all the skater/surfer/boarder gear you can handle. Olive Boutique supplies one of a kind pieces! Those on the professional side will find Shryocks indispensable. Unfortunately we just lost Joe's Sporting Goods, so Work-n-Wear is the place for work boots/wear, Double H Western Wear for "yer wranglers," and the Kilt & Thistle for showing your Scottish pride!
3. Cherry Redd once again takes the cake for best women's clothing. I absolutely love their pin-up style dresses, and they offer classes on how to look like a pin-up girl, with professional photography to boot! The Meringue Boutique offers upscale shopping. Olive Boutique also has women's clothes. I haven't found a great adult woman's store yet.
4. It's hard to find a local resale/consignment shop. I would recommend The Maze in Keizer. There's also Big Gal's. And Re-runs for Kids.
5. When I go to buy furniture (which usually isn't often because I'm broke), I frequent EnerChi. They have beautiful feng-shui inspired furniture. If that sort of thing isn't for you, stop by Amish Workbench. If you are ready to buy that day, try Sid's Furnishings. They tend to kick you out if you are just looking. I also like to see what I can find at Engelberg Antiks II. It's a scavenger hunt, but you can find some very neat stuff.
6. If you're looking for some one-of-a-kind decorations, visit Ten Thousand Villages. They work with artists all over the world to promote fair trade practices. Although not local, it's worth a visit and your patronage because it sustains the global economy which is also important. For another unique home decor store, try The Arbor; way out of my price range, but I love to dream. Walk anywhere downtown and you'll find something that catches your eye!
7. Hardware. I'm not really the one to ask, but my husband really likes Saffron Supply Co. When he went to buy a ladder, they not only scoured to find him one, but not finding one at the store, offered to order him one. For building needs, try Parr Lumber - not local but close enough.
8. A lot of people like Jackson Jewelers. I happen to find them very unhelpful, but I'm the minority, so go - don't take my word. I really love Dave Wilson Designer Goldsmith. I want to be able to say I have the only one of something. If you're like me, a designer goldsmith is the way to go. Roy John is also a excellent goldsmith. Boucher Jewelers in Keizer has a beautiful selection of new and pre-owned jewelry.
9. Salem surprised me when they voted Kelly's Kitchen Store as best kitchen supply. We have two of the best kitchen stores around. Lullu's Tutto Cucina and Carl's Cuisine. They both offer cooking classes, as well as expertise. If you're interested in ethnic cuisine, Katmandu offers delicious cooking classes in curry.
10. I will never buy my flower seeds from anywhere but Egan Gardens. And every spring I will drive to Nichol's Garden Nursery to buy my vegetable and herb seedlings.
11. Shame shame! Willamette Humane Society and Salem Friends of Felines are the only places you should be getting your pets!!! To pamper them Davenport's Den is conveniently located at WHS, and South Salem Pet Supply specializes in health conscious feed. Double H provides feed for the equines. Yuppy Puppy remembers that dogs need accessories too!!
12. If you're looking for a bargain, WHS Thrift Shop is a great place to start. Also try Salem Friends of Felines' thrift store. I like to get my puzzles from the Union Gospel Mission Store, Salvation Army Thrift Store, or St. Vincent de Paul's Thrift Store. All superb selections where the money goes to a valuable cause.
13. Back to electronics. While we don't have a Best Buy, we do have Audio Source, Video Only, Norvac Electronics, and Dan Judy Automotive (for ham/cb radio supplies).
14. Ranch Records is it! Well, no, there's Harvest Music. But if you're looking for the best of the best in music, then Ranch Records is it!
15. Car dealers - normally something I don't want to think about, but for now, the necessary evil remains. So Electric Wheel is where I'd start. Then I'd try Lulay's Car Connection. Then I'd drive to Portland for EcoMotion.
16. I could spend my days at the library, but if we must own books, start with the Tea Party Bookshop. Next, The Book Bin. Then I'd move to Book Habit. There's the Paperback Exchange, and Reader's Guide in West Salem. There's no reason to go to Borders.
Best of......Bullshit_Entertainment
I have lived here all my life, seen most all there is to see. Still haven't found everything I'm looking for, but as a social butterfly, I try to patronize all local events. So here goes my reviews of what to do in Salem, and what should be defined "Best":
1. Dancing carries so many different meanings. To each his own. If you want swing, ballroom, or latin try RJ Dance Studio. They offer dance instruction as well as social dancing on Tuesdays. If you're more of a honky-tonker hit the floor at the Silver Spur Saloon. Most of the lower floor is dedicated to space for line dancing. In the vein of country, Swingin Stars offers up some great square dancing. Want to dance Sean-Nos? Then the Ceili of the Valley Society is calling! On weekends, check out the Six Ultra Lounge or Copper John's for some clubbing.
2. Karaoke brings out the best and worst of Salem. As long as there's no name calling, try Frank-N-Stein's in Mt. Angel, or Iggy's Bar & Grill in Brooks. Keeping close to home? Try Liberty Spirit Bar & Grill.
3. To hear some of the best NW bands, check out Boon's Treasury. Most music is blues/folk/alternative rock, but it's some of the best I've heard. Richard Day Reynolds & Garry Meziere are a great blues duo. Also check out the Ty Curtis Band at The Roxxy. For more rock/electronic/hardcore The Space is the place. Coffee House Cafe hosts some music events. There's live jazz at Alessandro's and Grand Vines.
4. For the best in family entertainment, pack up the kids for a short ride to Enchanted Forest. Yes, it's aging. No, it's not Disneyland. But it holds dear childhood memories, and there's something about the simplicity that sparks the imagination. A.C. Gilbert Discovery Village is another great option. It's like OMSI but closer, and more hands on. Salem Carousel will bring delight to young and young at heart. During the summer, Willamette Humane Society offers Camp Paw Paw - a great education in animal care. The World Beat Festival in June melds cultures together, providing a great way for kids to learn and accept diversity.
5. For free activities, look no further than your own neighborhood. Parks are everywhere in Salem. The Library is open 5 days a week. The Wednesday and Saturday Markets are excellent places to peruse. First Wednesday's in Salem bring the city to life during the evenings with music, shopping, and food.
6. Salem Cinema is an independent filmmaker's dream. Today is the last day of the Salem Film Festival showcasing Megan Mylan for her inspiring film Smile Pinki. The festival is a 10 day event giving local and nationwide independent artists to show off their best films. Tickets are just $8, which is less than what you'll pay at Regal Cinemas. If you can wait a couple weeks to see a current film, then you'll find yourself saving money at Northern Lights Theatre Pub. Current shows include Coraline, Gran Torino, and Hotel for Dogs. Tickets are just $3 for movies. Events, like live comedy and UFC showings cost a little more, but are worth it for the food, friends, and beer. On Saturday's a double play is offered for children - a play and a movie. What a great idea!
7. Beaver's, Ducks, every other sports team's gear line the walls of Magoo's Sports Bar. When they say sports bar, they mean it. Did I mention they have shuffleboard? Very cool. The Ram Restaurant and Brewery also has 6 or 7 tv's, wonderful microbrews, and 3 pool tables in the back.
8. I am struggling with best annual event. The Saturday and Wednesday Markets show off Salem's goods. First Wednesday's bring out the nightlife. The Salem Art Fair draws the largest crowd. Oktoberfest in Mt. Angel will have you wearing lederhosen. The World Beat Festival shows our diversity. Sometimes the Bite of Salem is good, although why Pizza Hut has a booth, I don't know. The Oregon State Fair is overrated. Try 'em all and tell me which is best!
9. Once again, to each his own. Bars are for everyone and anyone. I can usually be found at Jake's Bar & Grill. It's a dive, and 3/4 of the bar is pool tables, but if you wanna see the best APA tournament, it's Jakes. Ask for a "lite black opal" from Tod. Another great place for pool is Big Shots. They have nice tables, and a split room where you can bowl on the Wii. The Garth Brooks clientele will love the Silver Spur. Clubbers will go to The Six Ultra Lounge and South Liberty Bar & Grill (I've never seen much food though). The Brick and the Ram attract the Willamette University crowd. If you wanna get in a fight The Can Can is the rowdiest bar. Iggy's in Brooks is best for karaoke, as well as Liberty Spirit Bar & Grill. A new haunt is Brownstowne Lounge. Live music, Wii rentals, Ninkasi brews, and pinball machines are the highlights. For the GLBT crowd, we have the Southside Speakeasy. A great place to dance and let loose, even if you are straight.
10. Salem Repertory Theater is a great group who call the Reed Opera House home. If you have a chance, run out to Pentacle Theatre. Set in the woods, this inviting theatre combines romance and mystery. Just don't audition. The group is very snobby and cliquish. The Historic Elsinore Theatre is regal. It brings much needed musicals, orchestral and cultural events to Salem.
11. While I'm no art critic, I will say I like the Mary Lou Zeek Gallery's variety and style. Also try Elsinore Gallery or Hallie Ford Musem. Both good choices!
12. Wanna get hitched? During the summer I recommend Deepwood Estate or Silver Falls Park. If you can swing it, a beatiful wedding at St. Mary's in Mt. Angel is worth the drive.
13. AMF Firebird Lanes, Town & Country Lanes, or for cheap games, Northgate Bowl. I always enjoy glow in the dark bowling!
1. Dancing carries so many different meanings. To each his own. If you want swing, ballroom, or latin try RJ Dance Studio. They offer dance instruction as well as social dancing on Tuesdays. If you're more of a honky-tonker hit the floor at the Silver Spur Saloon. Most of the lower floor is dedicated to space for line dancing. In the vein of country, Swingin Stars offers up some great square dancing. Want to dance Sean-Nos? Then the Ceili of the Valley Society is calling! On weekends, check out the Six Ultra Lounge or Copper John's for some clubbing.
2. Karaoke brings out the best and worst of Salem. As long as there's no name calling, try Frank-N-Stein's in Mt. Angel, or Iggy's Bar & Grill in Brooks. Keeping close to home? Try Liberty Spirit Bar & Grill.
3. To hear some of the best NW bands, check out Boon's Treasury. Most music is blues/folk/alternative rock, but it's some of the best I've heard. Richard Day Reynolds & Garry Meziere are a great blues duo. Also check out the Ty Curtis Band at The Roxxy. For more rock/electronic/hardcore The Space is the place. Coffee House Cafe hosts some music events. There's live jazz at Alessandro's and Grand Vines.
4. For the best in family entertainment, pack up the kids for a short ride to Enchanted Forest. Yes, it's aging. No, it's not Disneyland. But it holds dear childhood memories, and there's something about the simplicity that sparks the imagination. A.C. Gilbert Discovery Village is another great option. It's like OMSI but closer, and more hands on. Salem Carousel will bring delight to young and young at heart. During the summer, Willamette Humane Society offers Camp Paw Paw - a great education in animal care. The World Beat Festival in June melds cultures together, providing a great way for kids to learn and accept diversity.
5. For free activities, look no further than your own neighborhood. Parks are everywhere in Salem. The Library is open 5 days a week. The Wednesday and Saturday Markets are excellent places to peruse. First Wednesday's in Salem bring the city to life during the evenings with music, shopping, and food.
6. Salem Cinema is an independent filmmaker's dream. Today is the last day of the Salem Film Festival showcasing Megan Mylan for her inspiring film Smile Pinki. The festival is a 10 day event giving local and nationwide independent artists to show off their best films. Tickets are just $8, which is less than what you'll pay at Regal Cinemas. If you can wait a couple weeks to see a current film, then you'll find yourself saving money at Northern Lights Theatre Pub. Current shows include Coraline, Gran Torino, and Hotel for Dogs. Tickets are just $3 for movies. Events, like live comedy and UFC showings cost a little more, but are worth it for the food, friends, and beer. On Saturday's a double play is offered for children - a play and a movie. What a great idea!
7. Beaver's, Ducks, every other sports team's gear line the walls of Magoo's Sports Bar. When they say sports bar, they mean it. Did I mention they have shuffleboard? Very cool. The Ram Restaurant and Brewery also has 6 or 7 tv's, wonderful microbrews, and 3 pool tables in the back.
8. I am struggling with best annual event. The Saturday and Wednesday Markets show off Salem's goods. First Wednesday's bring out the nightlife. The Salem Art Fair draws the largest crowd. Oktoberfest in Mt. Angel will have you wearing lederhosen. The World Beat Festival shows our diversity. Sometimes the Bite of Salem is good, although why Pizza Hut has a booth, I don't know. The Oregon State Fair is overrated. Try 'em all and tell me which is best!
9. Once again, to each his own. Bars are for everyone and anyone. I can usually be found at Jake's Bar & Grill. It's a dive, and 3/4 of the bar is pool tables, but if you wanna see the best APA tournament, it's Jakes. Ask for a "lite black opal" from Tod. Another great place for pool is Big Shots. They have nice tables, and a split room where you can bowl on the Wii. The Garth Brooks clientele will love the Silver Spur. Clubbers will go to The Six Ultra Lounge and South Liberty Bar & Grill (I've never seen much food though). The Brick and the Ram attract the Willamette University crowd. If you wanna get in a fight The Can Can is the rowdiest bar. Iggy's in Brooks is best for karaoke, as well as Liberty Spirit Bar & Grill. A new haunt is Brownstowne Lounge. Live music, Wii rentals, Ninkasi brews, and pinball machines are the highlights. For the GLBT crowd, we have the Southside Speakeasy. A great place to dance and let loose, even if you are straight.
10. Salem Repertory Theater is a great group who call the Reed Opera House home. If you have a chance, run out to Pentacle Theatre. Set in the woods, this inviting theatre combines romance and mystery. Just don't audition. The group is very snobby and cliquish. The Historic Elsinore Theatre is regal. It brings much needed musicals, orchestral and cultural events to Salem.
11. While I'm no art critic, I will say I like the Mary Lou Zeek Gallery's variety and style. Also try Elsinore Gallery or Hallie Ford Musem. Both good choices!
12. Wanna get hitched? During the summer I recommend Deepwood Estate or Silver Falls Park. If you can swing it, a beatiful wedding at St. Mary's in Mt. Angel is worth the drive.
13. AMF Firebird Lanes, Town & Country Lanes, or for cheap games, Northgate Bowl. I always enjoy glow in the dark bowling!
Best of......bullshit_Dining
Reading through the Statesman Journal's Best of the Mid-Valley. There's a couple of dining institutions that are corporation, food chains which saddens me. I thought this was supposed to promote local businesses in need of some monetary boost. Oh well. Here's my choices for "Best of" and some other offerings from Salem:
1. The best restaurant in the Mid-Valley is hands down Willamette Noodle Company. They have amazing food, great specials each month, and fantastic service. They also let you draw on the tablecloth!!! While Caruso's Italian Cafe is great, since they moved from their former place (house converted to restaurant) they have not been the same. They've lost their atmosphere.
2. Kwan's is wonderful for vegetarian if you can handle soy products. Marco Polo also offers a vegetarian menu - once again if you eat soy. Both of their vegetarian menus are largely Asian-oriented. Venti's Cafe and Willamette Noodle Company also serve vegetarian meals, which is a comfort for me since I am allergic to soy. They also step away from the Asian menu. All-in-all we have a good vegetarian variety here. Now if we can just get some vegan.....
3. Best Undiscovered Restaurant - Willamette Valley Grill? Come on now. For it to be undiscovered, not many people could have heard about it, and since they took 3 other categories, I am willing to bet they are not truly undiscovered. For a good meal, exceptional service, and privacy (which comes with an undiscovered restaurant) try Word of Mouth Neighborhood Bistro or Cafe 22 West.
4. Best Family Restaurant should be Pietro's Pizza. The pizza is alright, nothing spectacular, but kids love it (salad bar as well for the parents)! What makes it the best is the laser tag, mini-golf, and arcade games. Parents can let their kids bounce all over without having to keep a constant eye out. The clientele is diverse so the children might learn a thing or two about sharing as well!!
5. I don't know about you, but I hate bland poridge type refried beans and canned enchilada sauce. But this is what you get when you eat a La Hacienda Real. And while I applaud their tortilla making skills, the rest of the food lacks "mucho". In this category I recommend Los Arcos or Guadalajara Grill. The chips are fresh and the food has spice!! Estupendo!!
6. Best Takeout - well I really should stop giving so much space to Willamette Noodle Company, but you can call ahead, say 20 minutes away, order, swing in and pick up fresh pasta, salad, Rob's Cheesy Bread, soup, and dessert - all for about the same price as domino's. Other takeout choices are Love Love Teriyaki, Adam's Rib's (for the carnivores), or McMenamins.
7. Best Pizza - now here's a tough choice. Some people like Domino's cardbord style pizza. Some like it New York Style. Whatever you fancy, Salem's got it. We have Straight From New York Pizza. Amazing amazing cheap pizza!! One slice'll fill me up. Best local chain we have here is Primetime Pizza. The sauce has just the right amount of kick, the ingredients are fresh, the delivery time is fast, and if you pick up your order you get a free 2 liter. Can't beat that! Another option for the family is Walery's Premium Pizza. Located in West Salem they offer live music the first and third mondays of the month, an arcade room, a separate area for meetings, and lots of records hanging from the ceiling. As I mentioned before, Pietro's Pizza is good for the family too. Paddington's has been a Salem staple for quite some time, the pizza's decent, and makes a good place for family reunions. I find the customer service lacks a little something....oh think of the word, oh yes, customer service. If you like stromboli, try Geppetto's. Gourmet pizza lovers can get their fill at Christo's Pizzeria. Wonderful, unique, handmade pizza!
8. I agree whole-heartedly with Best Breakfast! Busick Court has a wide selection of omelette's, pancackes/waffles, and french toast. I usually stick with the simple 1-2-2: one pancacke, two eggs, and I donate my bacon to my husband. The pancakes are as big as a plate, so if you think you can eat two, get one. Court Street Dairy Lunch has a good breakfast, as well as White's. They've been around for decades so they must be good!!
9. Please try La Perla Tapatia!! 99 cent tacos, great pico de gallo, good people watching!!
10. Stoners get their fourth meal at Muchas Gracias!! Thick, greasy food perfect for the late night toke!
11. Desserts - ah the best category. Gerry Frank's Konditorei will win every time. With such names as Barney's Black Out (made with Guinness), Chocolate Cream Cheese, Black & White Mousse, and Turtle Cheesecake - how can you go wrong? Little Cannoli Bakery has wonderful pastries. The problem is, you can't just eat one, no matter how hard you try. For award winning wedding cakes, try Lovin Oven in Stayton.
12. Great Harvest and Cascade Baking Company don't just bake the most delectable or freshest breads - they make delicious sandwiches also! Plus, Great Harvest has my favorite - the Ultra Healthy Muffin made with no oils or eggs! Perfect for my vegan breakfast. Once in a while I crave something sweet - like a croissant. Croissant & Company amply fills this need. Their filled croissants are to die for!
13. Best ice cream just got kicked to the side - by Napoleon's Creperie and Gelato!
14. I am ashamed that Costco was voted as Best Hot Dog. Talk to anyone who has been downtown Salem, they'll tell you Casey's Cafe is where it's at. No fuss, no muss - just hot dogs! . Another place to try is Capitol Dog. You won't be disappointed. If you're craving sausage, take a short drive to Mt. Angel Sausage Company. Sometimes I'll even eat there it's so good!
15. For best outdoor dining, I decided Salem doesn't offer anything that's worthy of the "Best" title. Stop by one of the local deli's (Great Harvest, Cascade Baking Company, Corissant & Company, Court Street Dairy Lunch, Casey's Cafe, etc), get something to go, and head on down to Riverfront Park or Pringle Park and have a picnic!
16. Unfortunately I am not able to comment on any of the cocktail or margarita offerings as I'm a good ol' beer girl. But I'm willing to try Alessandro's or DaVinci's or J. James. All upscale restaurants - very hip and swanky.
17. Best Business lunch - hmmmmm....I'm not much of a professional-type but I would say Bentley's Grill at the Convention Center is where I would take my boss. Nice atmosphere, quick service, good food, and it's not gonna break the bank when you have to pay for 4 of your superiors.
18. Buffets are a disgrace to food. Warm plates sitting under heat lamps, available for anyone to sneeze, cough, spit, or otherwise defile. If you must buffet, head to Golden Tent where you load your plate with raw food and have the filth cooked out of it on a giant grill.
19. If you want good coffee, free wi-fi, local art, and people watching, check out Coffee House Cafe or Governor's Cup. Coffee House definitely attracts more of the young, modified crowd, but there's something very pleasant to see businessmen blend with hippies.
20. Best place to impress a first date: Northern Lights Theatre Pub. With $3 tickets, live comedy, recent movies, and satisfying food, you'll be sure to make a second date. If her daddy's rich, try swooning her at Alessandro's. Again, I would recommend Willamette Noodle Company.
21. I don't know my wines, but I do know that Grand Vines has live jazz, a wall full of wines, and tasting. To buy direct, shimmy to Willamette Valley Vineyards in Turner. Oregon Blossom is a favorite of mine. Made in Oregon has a great selection from local vineyards. They'll also be able to direct you to local wine tours, and what's best for type of wine.
22. Alessandro's has Best Romantic dinner in the bag. The atmosphere will light the flame under even the coldest of ice queens.
23. This last category is the most important and near to my heart. Best Grocery Store. I am not surprised this store didn't make the top three. But hopefully with the growing green, organic movement, Salemites will discover LifeSource Natural Foods. They were promoting "green" before the word was invented. I can buy fresh produce, nuts and dried fruits (thanks to the bulk bins), organic beer, gluten-free products, canned items, toilet paper, cleaning products, frozen items, farm-raised meat, shampoo, cookbooks, and herbal supplements. The staff is always helpful, never condescending (I am grateful for this, as the first time I went in I had no idea what organic was), friendly, and always willing to go the extra mile. I cannot say enough about them!
Travel Salem Cafe is a newly opened wealth of information on businesses, restaurants, things to do, and anything else you might want to know.
1. The best restaurant in the Mid-Valley is hands down Willamette Noodle Company. They have amazing food, great specials each month, and fantastic service. They also let you draw on the tablecloth!!! While Caruso's Italian Cafe is great, since they moved from their former place (house converted to restaurant) they have not been the same. They've lost their atmosphere.
2. Kwan's is wonderful for vegetarian if you can handle soy products. Marco Polo also offers a vegetarian menu - once again if you eat soy. Both of their vegetarian menus are largely Asian-oriented. Venti's Cafe and Willamette Noodle Company also serve vegetarian meals, which is a comfort for me since I am allergic to soy. They also step away from the Asian menu. All-in-all we have a good vegetarian variety here. Now if we can just get some vegan.....
3. Best Undiscovered Restaurant - Willamette Valley Grill? Come on now. For it to be undiscovered, not many people could have heard about it, and since they took 3 other categories, I am willing to bet they are not truly undiscovered. For a good meal, exceptional service, and privacy (which comes with an undiscovered restaurant) try Word of Mouth Neighborhood Bistro or Cafe 22 West.
4. Best Family Restaurant should be Pietro's Pizza. The pizza is alright, nothing spectacular, but kids love it (salad bar as well for the parents)! What makes it the best is the laser tag, mini-golf, and arcade games. Parents can let their kids bounce all over without having to keep a constant eye out. The clientele is diverse so the children might learn a thing or two about sharing as well!!
5. I don't know about you, but I hate bland poridge type refried beans and canned enchilada sauce. But this is what you get when you eat a La Hacienda Real. And while I applaud their tortilla making skills, the rest of the food lacks "mucho". In this category I recommend Los Arcos or Guadalajara Grill. The chips are fresh and the food has spice!! Estupendo!!
6. Best Takeout - well I really should stop giving so much space to Willamette Noodle Company, but you can call ahead, say 20 minutes away, order, swing in and pick up fresh pasta, salad, Rob's Cheesy Bread, soup, and dessert - all for about the same price as domino's. Other takeout choices are Love Love Teriyaki, Adam's Rib's (for the carnivores), or McMenamins.
7. Best Pizza - now here's a tough choice. Some people like Domino's cardbord style pizza. Some like it New York Style. Whatever you fancy, Salem's got it. We have Straight From New York Pizza. Amazing amazing cheap pizza!! One slice'll fill me up. Best local chain we have here is Primetime Pizza. The sauce has just the right amount of kick, the ingredients are fresh, the delivery time is fast, and if you pick up your order you get a free 2 liter. Can't beat that! Another option for the family is Walery's Premium Pizza. Located in West Salem they offer live music the first and third mondays of the month, an arcade room, a separate area for meetings, and lots of records hanging from the ceiling. As I mentioned before, Pietro's Pizza is good for the family too. Paddington's has been a Salem staple for quite some time, the pizza's decent, and makes a good place for family reunions. I find the customer service lacks a little something....oh think of the word, oh yes, customer service. If you like stromboli, try Geppetto's. Gourmet pizza lovers can get their fill at Christo's Pizzeria. Wonderful, unique, handmade pizza!
8. I agree whole-heartedly with Best Breakfast! Busick Court has a wide selection of omelette's, pancackes/waffles, and french toast. I usually stick with the simple 1-2-2: one pancacke, two eggs, and I donate my bacon to my husband. The pancakes are as big as a plate, so if you think you can eat two, get one. Court Street Dairy Lunch has a good breakfast, as well as White's. They've been around for decades so they must be good!!
9. Please try La Perla Tapatia!! 99 cent tacos, great pico de gallo, good people watching!!
10. Stoners get their fourth meal at Muchas Gracias!! Thick, greasy food perfect for the late night toke!
11. Desserts - ah the best category. Gerry Frank's Konditorei will win every time. With such names as Barney's Black Out (made with Guinness), Chocolate Cream Cheese, Black & White Mousse, and Turtle Cheesecake - how can you go wrong? Little Cannoli Bakery has wonderful pastries. The problem is, you can't just eat one, no matter how hard you try. For award winning wedding cakes, try Lovin Oven in Stayton.
12. Great Harvest and Cascade Baking Company don't just bake the most delectable or freshest breads - they make delicious sandwiches also! Plus, Great Harvest has my favorite - the Ultra Healthy Muffin made with no oils or eggs! Perfect for my vegan breakfast. Once in a while I crave something sweet - like a croissant. Croissant & Company amply fills this need. Their filled croissants are to die for!
13. Best ice cream just got kicked to the side - by Napoleon's Creperie and Gelato!
14. I am ashamed that Costco was voted as Best Hot Dog. Talk to anyone who has been downtown Salem, they'll tell you Casey's Cafe is where it's at. No fuss, no muss - just hot dogs! . Another place to try is Capitol Dog. You won't be disappointed. If you're craving sausage, take a short drive to Mt. Angel Sausage Company. Sometimes I'll even eat there it's so good!
15. For best outdoor dining, I decided Salem doesn't offer anything that's worthy of the "Best" title. Stop by one of the local deli's (Great Harvest, Cascade Baking Company, Corissant & Company, Court Street Dairy Lunch, Casey's Cafe, etc), get something to go, and head on down to Riverfront Park or Pringle Park and have a picnic!
16. Unfortunately I am not able to comment on any of the cocktail or margarita offerings as I'm a good ol' beer girl. But I'm willing to try Alessandro's or DaVinci's or J. James. All upscale restaurants - very hip and swanky.
17. Best Business lunch - hmmmmm....I'm not much of a professional-type but I would say Bentley's Grill at the Convention Center is where I would take my boss. Nice atmosphere, quick service, good food, and it's not gonna break the bank when you have to pay for 4 of your superiors.
18. Buffets are a disgrace to food. Warm plates sitting under heat lamps, available for anyone to sneeze, cough, spit, or otherwise defile. If you must buffet, head to Golden Tent where you load your plate with raw food and have the filth cooked out of it on a giant grill.
19. If you want good coffee, free wi-fi, local art, and people watching, check out Coffee House Cafe or Governor's Cup. Coffee House definitely attracts more of the young, modified crowd, but there's something very pleasant to see businessmen blend with hippies.
20. Best place to impress a first date: Northern Lights Theatre Pub. With $3 tickets, live comedy, recent movies, and satisfying food, you'll be sure to make a second date. If her daddy's rich, try swooning her at Alessandro's. Again, I would recommend Willamette Noodle Company.
21. I don't know my wines, but I do know that Grand Vines has live jazz, a wall full of wines, and tasting. To buy direct, shimmy to Willamette Valley Vineyards in Turner. Oregon Blossom is a favorite of mine. Made in Oregon has a great selection from local vineyards. They'll also be able to direct you to local wine tours, and what's best for type of wine.
22. Alessandro's has Best Romantic dinner in the bag. The atmosphere will light the flame under even the coldest of ice queens.
23. This last category is the most important and near to my heart. Best Grocery Store. I am not surprised this store didn't make the top three. But hopefully with the growing green, organic movement, Salemites will discover LifeSource Natural Foods. They were promoting "green" before the word was invented. I can buy fresh produce, nuts and dried fruits (thanks to the bulk bins), organic beer, gluten-free products, canned items, toilet paper, cleaning products, frozen items, farm-raised meat, shampoo, cookbooks, and herbal supplements. The staff is always helpful, never condescending (I am grateful for this, as the first time I went in I had no idea what organic was), friendly, and always willing to go the extra mile. I cannot say enough about them!
Travel Salem Cafe is a newly opened wealth of information on businesses, restaurants, things to do, and anything else you might want to know.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Caves
I just want to disappear. We came home, everything was going ok. I mentioned that I got an offer from the work-at-home call center place for a position. I only read a portion of the e-mail earlier and was not aware there was part-time hours available. I told him and said I didn't want to take it cause it was full-time. He said I should. I said I can't. He said we need the money. I said I couldn't take the stress. Then it just blew up. I fucking hate this! I don't care anymore! I just want to scream to him all the opportunities I've had to fuck this over lately and I haven't.......why? Because I actually want this to work. But all he gives a shit about is money. That's it. And he's so selfish. If he wants to do something we magically have money but if I want to do something - no. And he says it's because he's pulling the weight. He's making the money. Even if I am making money, I don't get to do what I want to. Because all he does is take. And I'm sick of giving. I'm sorry there are two people in a marriage. I'm sorry that I have a problem mentally and emotionally. I'm sorry I've fucked up in the past. I'm sorry that I'm not everything I should or want to be, but guess what? You're stuck. Stuck. So either make a compromise or leave. I'm done with fighting. I already wanted to commit suicide today. I don't need another. I stay at home and clean and cook, and try really hard to be a good housewife, to not spend money - to make it so I don't have to work. But it's not good enough. Money is what he wants. Money to spend the way he used to spend when he didn't have me. I can't do it. I wish I could erase time cause you better believe I wouldn't be here. But I made my grave. I hate my life! I could be married to someone else living in a nice house with a nice car and children and a dog but I'm fucking here. So he has to be too. I know I've been spoiled and gotten everything I've ever wanted and had mommy to bail me out, but I'm here. So he has to be too. I know that I freak out and I can't hold down a job because fear paralyzes me. To everyone else it seems like laziness but Nick knows and Gail knows, and now I have to relearn how to think so I don't spend and I don't create holes for myself, but I'm here. So he has to be too. Everyone says they marry their parents. He did. So it's either shit or get off the pot I think at this point. I am so tired. I want a house with a white picket fence and 2 kids and 4 cats and 2 dogs and a cow and horse and chickens and lots of acres, but I'm in an apartment that stinks, that has mismatched colored doors, stains on the carpet, a bed that cats have pissed in numerous times......it's a place and it's where I'm at and I'm trying really really hard to be okay with my choices. I don't understand why he can't accept his.
a bowl
suicidal again. ben got a call early this morning. when he got off i asked him if everything was alright. he said yes and that his boss was running late so he had time to drop me off at his parents. a couple minutes later i was on the toilet and he comes in and turns the shower water on. normally he doesn't take showers in the morning and every once in a while he'll pee in the shower if i'm on the toilet. so i kinda yelled, don't pee in the shower. he said he wasn't - that he was taking a shower. then while in the shower i noticed that he was taking a long shower and just standing there not really doing anything. i thought we should probably hurry since he had to drop me off then go to work. plus he was wasting water so i nicely said you're wasting water plus it's 7:07. he didn't respond so a couple minutes later i said it again but with a little more force. he said he knew what he was doing. that was the end of that. when he was getting dressed i remarked that he should comb his hair since he had just finished combing his goat. he said that's why he wore a hat. then i said he shouldn't wear his good hat cause it'll get dirty. he shrugged it off saying that he liked it. i said it looked kinda funny with his work outfit. he said he wouldn't have anywhere else to put his pen. i was mean and said he could it in his pocket like everyone else. and again while he was dressing i made a remark about how i could hem the sleeves of his work shirt up. he said they were the perfect length. i said they were too long. he said the whole shirt was too big. i agreed. getting into the truck - he got in and tried to open my door by pulling the door handle like in his old truck. i jokingly said i'd never understood why he still did that since we've had this truck for almost 3 years. he asked why i was being so mean? i said i was just joking. he said i was picking at him all morning. that i was just like verone.
i realize that doesn't mean much but i've been uber depressed lately and verone is his loathed enemy so that cut deep. i burst into tears. made him drive me home. contemplated slitting my wrists. more crying. talked it over with him. now sitting here. feeling empty. not suicidal right now. just empty. i don't know if i believe him when he says he loves me anymore.
i realize that doesn't mean much but i've been uber depressed lately and verone is his loathed enemy so that cut deep. i burst into tears. made him drive me home. contemplated slitting my wrists. more crying. talked it over with him. now sitting here. feeling empty. not suicidal right now. just empty. i don't know if i believe him when he says he loves me anymore.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
depressed?
So for no random reason I started balling my eyes out today. Then I started laughing. Then I started crying. And I stepped on a nail. I am feeling like everything's going wrong. We're broke. I don't have a job. I don't know if I'm capable of having a job, but not having one means I'm stuck in the house without any social interaction. I just want to get out of the house. So I cleaned the garage. Then I got a nail in my foot. Came back up, watched the family stone and just burst into tears. I don't understand. Maybe it's PMS, but I know I need to see Nick soon. Feeling very vulnerable.
Monday, March 2, 2009
first post/insomnia
Signed up to participate in the EarthHourUS thing. Sent e-mails to the congressmen that represent me - but I got to thinking, Capitol Hill, the White House, really any government agency can't really be in the dark for one hour - too many security problems. Oh well, it's a nice thought, right?
I drank coffee.....I can't sleep. Haunting thoughts of Fast Food Nation are in my head. Set up outlook express and updated the software on my phone so I could active sync everything. Yay for me. I should probably sleep.
I drank coffee.....I can't sleep. Haunting thoughts of Fast Food Nation are in my head. Set up outlook express and updated the software on my phone so I could active sync everything. Yay for me. I should probably sleep.
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